I’ve been at a crossroads for some time, stuck in a moral dilemma.
I keep waiting for my sense of humor to arrive to discuss this topic in a jovial manner. However, some things just aren’t funny.
The Perk: My counselor really helped me when I was in high school, so I wanted to become a counselor when “I grew up” to help others. I also wanted to be a part in ending the stigma about mental health and substance abuse.
Yet, I’ve been involved in a personal mental health situation and found myself contributing to the stigma by wanting to “keep it quiet” and “not wanting anyone to know.”
When I caught myself saying “don’t tell anyone.” I realized the truth.
The real truth is…I have been afraid.
Afraid of being judged.
Because let’s face it, we all judge. We all have our own opinions, our assumptions. Our brain defaults to judgement even if it is not our intention. It is a conscious effort to be mindful of this all the time.
After all, “Other people’s opinion of YOU is none of your business.” (Salt-N-Pepa got it swinging again…)
I have accepted this as human nature and decided to stop being afraid of IT.
“IT” meaning the harsh reality, the fear of the judgement, the blame, the assumptions of other parents, adults & maybe even teens. That “we must have done something to mess our kid up.”
Now I am being 100% sincere, I am NOT looking for reassurance or for anyone to say that I didn’t screw up as a parent. I know I am a good mom. I know we are good parents. We did the best we could with what we had at the time. We all know there is no parent handbook for every situation. No matter how many books you read, you are never 100% prepared.
The Perk: Raising awareness to help other parents. This is a reminder that this could happen to anyone. My hope is that if anyone else is going through something similar, then perhaps this story would bring them comfort or direction.
When I caught myself saying “shh, don’t tell anyone” I realized, being quiet about this situation is a betrayal to myself.
It is also a betrayal to all those patients/clients I promised that they had nothing to be ashamed of. In order to break the mental health stigma, I have to overcome my own bias, my own self-stigma.
Despite my profession, addressing my own parental believe that this condition is a sign of personal weakness or that it should be able to be controlled without help. I had to let go of “that someone/something is to blame” or “it’s our fault.”
I realized that regardless of what the cause is, it happened.
So I’m just going to rip this off like a band-aid and blurt out my story.
We choose to admit our 17-year-old son to an outpatient partial hospitalization mental health and substance abuse program (8am-2pm) in the fall of 2022 for three weeks.
We didn’t wait for him to get “caught” by the school. We didn’t wait for him to be mandated to have an evaluation. We knew something was wrong.
In the spring of 2023, I had a call 911 on my son for suicidal ideation. An ambulance & paramedics came to our house. (My retired neighbors were so confused.:)
The Perk: I knew what to do, kept my cool throughout the crisis, and understood the process. Even if my son was bluffing, I wasn’t playin.
Later, we admitted our son to a locked, inpatient psychiatric unit for a depressive episode and marijuana-induced psychosis for 10 days. He then did the outpatient program 8am-2pm for another three weeks.
He hated us, despised us for atleast five days.
The ironic dilemma, I am a mental health counselor who has had to assist in admitting individuals who suffer from mental health problems to an inpatient psychiatric unit or an outpatient program.
On a personal level, I’m struggling with this. As a parent, I am in shock. I am confused. I thought if I did everything “right” as a parent, my kids would be okay. Secondly, I never thought marijuana was “that big of a deal” until I witnessed what happened. These concentrated vape pens are no joke and can be purchased easily at gas stations & vape shops without being carded. Good times.
I tell patients all the time that “Everything is going to be okay. Your health is the most important and if this was a medical problem, no one would be embarrassed; so you shouldn’t be. You should be proud of your courage that you got help.”
Yet there I was, feeling ashamed.
As I smashed onto a four-foot long cot in the ER waiting room, I remembered many of those parents I had to talk to, while they were attempting to sleep uncomfortably in ER chairs.
I found comfort in remembering the empathy I provided them for the pain I imagined them experiencing.
The Perk: Growth. Nothing matches the pain of being the one going through the actual hardship. No one could understand fully what it is like being on the other side of the situation, as the terrified parent, until you are in it.
I was reminded, you truly never know what a person is going through until you go through it yourself. You can imagine, but you do not know their story. It is so easy to pass judgement and assume.
However, we are all able to CHOOSE to be mindful and be aware of our own “human stuff”.
The Perk: I learned how to re-frame my thoughts. We do have control over our own thoughts and possess the ability to CHOOSE empathy and compassion. We can CHOOSE not to judge.
Our son is alive and well. He is not ashamed and is glad we got him help now. He is a lot more insightful, but still an impulsive teenager thou. 😉 We are taking things day by day, mostly great days.
The Perk: Even on the “bad” days, there are still good moments in every day.
P.S. Go ahead and judge away, I’m cool with it. I get it. You won’t fully understand unless it happens to you. I hope you never experience it. Also, the more you judge, gossip, assume & blame, you will continue to be a part of the mental health stigma.
•I did not cause it•I cannot control it•I cannot cure it•
Quillan Kelly-Dunn 