The most difficult class I took in grad school was called Group Dynamics.
I walked in to a large classroom set up with thirty desks facing each other in a circle. The only person in the circle without a backpack at their feet, was a lanky, tall guy wearing a plaid shirt and navy tie.
He resembled a 45 year old Alex P. Keaton with Dick Van Dyke legs. His legs were crossed and he looked way too casual for a student. His elbow was propped on the desk and his hand held a pen that he clicked repeatedly next to his ear. He continued to look at each of us, yet didn’t say a word.
When the clock displayed the 6:30pm start time, no teacher introduced themself. It was odd. Five minutes went by without anyone speaking. The clock seemed to move in slow motion. The quiet was deafening and awkward.
After about 15 minutes, we all started looking at each other with that WTF-bewildered-look. Some raised their hands, no response. Students talked out loud, asked questions, some whispered to each other.…crickets…most students shrugged their shoulders.
We sat there in silence for 50 minutes. 🦗
It was maddening.
At the end of the class, the syllabus was passed around and the teacher left.
His name was Dr. Wolf.
The Assignment for the next week was to turn in five group dynamic observations we learned from this class.
But, we didn’t learn anything?
I scoured the book for hours all week trying to figure it out. I turned my sentences in, received it back at the end of class -grade 0/5. What?
Week after week I would relentlessly read and compose informative sentences only to receive a big fat zero. So I tried harder, read the chapter longer.
Continuous weekly ZEROS.
Each class, the silent Dr. Wolf would remain unresponsive, despite the students were becoming visibly frustrated, emotional, & downright irate.
When I received a zero on my test, my chest collapsed in devastation. I remember walking out of school into the January cold, sobbing. That Ugly cry. I cried all the way home and considered dropping the class.
Unfortunately, the class was mandatory in order to graduate.
I never tried so hard at anything in my life. Finally, I got angry.
I said “Fuck it.” I stopped trying. I stopped caring. I didn’t look at the book for a week.
After the next class, I half-assedly wrote down what I observed in the class. I relished in my passive aggression to the teacher.
Get. Bent. Dr. Wolf.
My statements:
1. “Without proper leadership, a group begins to look to each other for a new leader because their current one sucks.”
2. “Without direction or rules, a group breaks into cliques or subgroups and complains or talks about their own topics.”
3. “When the leader ignores the group, the members become frustrated, disrespectful, or withdrawn.”
4. “Without leader guidance, group members may want to leave the group.”
5. “Emotionally unsupportive male leaders may become strangely attractive to group members.”
The last one cracked me up.
Clearly, I got a thing for tall, lanky, emotionally unavailable men. 😉
I turned in these statements at end of class. I didn’t even wait until the next week. I wanted him to associate my face with my answers. I gave him an obstinate look as I tossed the sheet on his desk.
That following week I was excited to receive my zero. At least I didn’t waste hours of my time for this F/Zero. I hoped to see some type of expression on Dr. Wolf’s smug, stupid yet sexy face.
The paper was given to me with a
5 out 5-100% in red ink!!!
My neck snapped back like I was in a head-on collision. My temples throbbed like I had a case of whiplash.
Huh?
Then the epiphany…
Ohhhhh, he wants to know what I think, not what the books says.
I learned this without him saying one word.
I was also trying way too hard instead of seeing big picture.
“Work smarter, not harder” finally became clear.
From that day on, I was on fire.
Once I “got it” … I was unstoppable.
Imagine if I quit before it clicked. What a shame that would’ve been.
I learned more from this class than any other in my entire educational career.
Why?
Now this occurred 20+ years ago.
What would’ve happened if this class occurred in 2024?
Most would’ve just given up, dropped the class, maybe even changed majors. There was no instant gratification.
The giving up reasoning aka whining or excuses would probably sound like:
“It’s too hard!”
“He is emotionally abusive.”
“I’m being bullied.”
“The teacher is racist.”
“He’s a narcissist.”
These are paraphrased statements that I have heard from my own children and from other kids/teens; even adults.
Which I usually counter with “Maybe they are, but what are you learning from this?” as my mind flashes back to Dr. Wolf…
However, I never realized that at times, I was enabling my kids to use their feelings as an excuse; or making them feel too special so they thought they didn’t have to try.
My intention was to empower my kids, instead, I may have been fostering dependence on my approval.
I believe collectively, we all wanted to ensure our children had a more positive upbringing than we did.
Unfortunately, it may have gone too far and it seems to be backfiring.
As Simon Sinek states here & in the below link that this mindset could’ve been exacerbated we started to give everyone participation trophies.
Kids learned that everybody gets rewarded even if they don’t try, so why bother exerting effort.
Painful revelation
I am humbled to admit this:
When my husband encouraged my kids to throw away all of their participation medals & trophies, my kids (7 & 5) were crying, I erroneously sided with my kids.
I didn’t understand what my husband was trying to accomplish. He was ten years ahead of me. All I could see is how upset they were.
My own childhood confusion was prolonged by not having the “WHY” explained, so I convinced my husband to explain WHY he wanted the kids to do this. It made sense, sort of. I still didn’t see how this would have an impact on their future.
I see it now.
How else are they are going to learn to get back up when they are knocked down?
When things get tough, are they going to get back up or quit.
Are they going to keep trying after they fail, or surrender.
Ten years later…
The whip lashes back at me.
https://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action
https://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action
https://medium.com/the-outtake/on-demand-for-a-second-look-whiplash-864f3530be4d
Take it easy Ben, you are just a sub. Substitute teacher: 
.
I sheepishly go see another patient, (husband and wife married 60 years, who primarily speak Ukranian and Russian; they insist on not using a translator. They say “We want to try to speak to you in your language.”)I was ready to thank them for their patience with my inadequacy. Instead, I am greeted with a hug and exclaimed, “We are so glad to see you!”
#stopsayingtomorrow
Quillan Kelly-Dunn 