#Beyourself – Quillan Kelly-Dunn

#greatpretender, Family disasters, Find A Way, Health & Wellness, Mental Health, narcissism, narcisstic personality disorder, PTSD, Trauma

Development Arrested

March 5, 2026March 7, 2026 quillankellydunn

Anyone have a friend or family member that is “a total bust?” Someone who never learns from their mistakes, continues to create havoc month after month and somehow they come out scott free with no consequences? They have no real concept of anything.

Yes we can say, “let’s not judge someone in their worst moment” but with this person; there are TOO many “worst moments” to count. We can say to each their own or karma will get them, but who wants to wait for that? They are continuing to cause permanent, devastating injury to other people and children.

They constantly get everyone all riled up and cause an incident to be an utter emergency. You scramble to help find solutions to assist and then they will be like “never mind, it’s fine now.” Every time they are around it is absolute chaos.

They are too lazy & clueless to do the emotional work it takes to change.

I just don’t get it. Karma, where are you? I feel like if I made one of the mistakes this person makes, my life would be over. I would end up in jail.

When you try and sit down with this person and have a civilized conversation, they do not provide the answer you are looking for.

They will instigate & rage-bait you, then when you explode; they play the victim.

In addition to their lack of self-awareness & personality flaws, they usually have a substance abuse problem that is off the chain. When you attempt to convey your concern for their health & safety, they dismiss you.

Then they will constantly find excuses to avoid situations they do not want to attend. They are always “sick” and their kids are always “sick”. When it’s is a consistent pattern, it’s pretty obvious. My favorite is when they will be “sick” following a bender and have absolutely no understanding of the correlation between their lifestyle and illness.

When you slightly convince them that they aren’t taking care of themselves, they do the bare minimum.

They usually ignore the big problems, are overwhelmed with standard adult functioning and create little problems out of nothing.

They invented this likable, responsible, organized, thoughtful & funny image of who they want to portray.

Overtime, it becomes more difficult to maintain this facade and their true selves begin to emerge. It’s frustrating because you believe they have some good qualities and that is why you liked them…at first. Eventually you realize that it was all for show. It was only an image they have been creating, not the real person they are inside. It’s all smoke and mirrors.

Usually they blame others constantly for their reactions and have a total lack of boundaries. They are unable to stop themselves from disclosing information you don’t want to know.

It’s as if they are growing in reverse and they keep regressing.

They act like a teenager, are selfish, have no empathy, and behave downright mean and nasty.

Eventually you get burnt out from caring and become complacent.

When you look up the actual definition of arrested development, it explains ALOT.

“Arrested development refers to a psychological or emotional state where an individual’s growth—specifically social, emotional, or intellectual maturation—stagnates, causing them to remain “stuck” at an earlier stage of development. Often triggered by trauma, neglect, or lack of guidance, it results in adults who look mature but act with child-like impulsivity, insecurity, or irresponsibility.”

Ironically, they are sometimes triggered when their children reach the age when their trauma, neglect, or abandonment began. So if a parent was exposed to something that arrested their own development at age ten; when their child reaches age 10, symptoms explode.

It is actually really sad when you begin to see the ignored, neglected and/or abused inner child inside of them; begging for attention.

All this drama they are creating is a subconscious distraction from the true feeling they are desperately attempting to avoid.

This is why they have to “keep spinning” their web of lies and manipulation. They are relentless, like a shark. They are internally exhausted from pretending and shit stirring.

You really cannot convince them no matter how hard you try. They will twist your words around and get defensive. They will be so harsh and cruel to you for offering advice.

Their justifications make zero sense.

Usually, a trauma bond forms between the abuser with this persons victims. They keep their “loved ones” addicted to the toxic cycles by reeling them in with love bombing, emotional stability then spitting them back out with intermittent cruelty. They retaliate in evil ways.

“Trauma bonding isn’t just emotional; it’s psychological. The brain’s chemistry is altered during these cycles of abuse and reconciliation. The release of stress hormones like cortisol during abusive episodes, followed by dopamine during reconciliation, creates a potent mix that can literally make the victim feel addicted to the abuser. “

Emotional stability may feel foreign, uncomfortable and boring. They most likely grew up with this type of family dynamic so they have induce chaos to feel “normal.”

Unfortunately, something awful and terrible has to occur for them to finally receive a wake up call.

Then they wonder why their kids are out of control and behave like complete savage, feral assholes as young adults.

By the time they receive their much deserved karma, it is usually TOO LATE. So much emotional turmoil & damage has been done and relationships are beyond repair.

However, I would like the consequences to happen a lot sooner?? Anyone else? We all make mistakes! As humans, we can’t always see our own stuff=triggers/self-medicating habits etc. immediately.

There has to be some sort of self-reflection and life re-evaluation eventually!

When does it end? How old do they have to be to finally realize it?

It seems like good, genuinely kind people who follow the law, a moral code and their core values seem to have to pay for mistakes immediately. It feels like those who consistently and repeatedly commit heartless deeds intentionally to hurt someone else or for personal gain; get away with it for an extremely long time. When they finally atone for the pain & the irreversible damage they caused, they are so old; you don’t even care anymore.

Therefore, I would like to make a formal request to KARMA in writing. I would like to demand of the universe to lead this person toward the direction of some kind of wake-up call, professional help, & a better lifestyle. I would like to mandate for this to occur this year, while they are young, not in 40 years when they are old and the rest of us are deceased.

I like to believe there are mostly genuinely good-hearted people in the world. Why can’t anyone who is truly despicable receive their consequences in a timely manner?

Like why did Jeffrey Epstein receive the gift of death? Why couldn’t he have to live in misery and humiliation by facing all his victims? Why couldn’t he live to bring down anyone else involved?

Grrrr. Makes me so angry.

I want justice!

He better come out of hiding if he’s alive!!

https://www.angliacounselling.co.uk/emotional-well-being/impact-of-arrested-development-on-relationships-and-self-esteem-in-adulthood/

https://frontier.care/blog/what-is-trauma-bonding-why-it-happens-and-how-to-heal

Just because it’s hilarious:

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZThpNCBad/

#Beyourself

Heated Rivalry

March 2, 2026March 11, 2026 quillankellydunn

“You’ve got your mother in a whirl… ’cause she’s not sure if you’re a boy or a girl…”

Rebel Rebel- David Bowie

Gen-X grew up in the 80’s with Boy George, David Bowie, Robert Smith of The Cure & Johnny Depp. We accepted and understood these “guys” were musicians and actors who wore earrings, rings, nail polish, bright colors, and make-up.

Now as a Gen-X mom of a Gen-Z person, I do not understand why my 20-year-old son would want to do this. He is not an actor or musician. He doesn’t understand why “only actors and musicians can do it” and he states “I’m an artist and I don’t need to be famous to do it. I’m also pansexual so I don’t care about gender constructs.”

I watched Schitt’s Creek and witnessed David Rose wearing a skirt and flamboyant top, hook up with a woman Stevie and later fall in love with a man, Patrick…I loved every minute of it. David stated he is pansexual, that he is attracted to the person not the gender. OK that makes sense. Got it.

Obviously, there’s a real, underlying meaning tied into David Rose, a.k.a. Dan Levy’s message in writing Schitts Creek.

I understood this message from Dan Levy’s perspective. I could not understand it from my son’s perspective.

Dan Levy’s mom:

My son was never like this. He didn’t “twirl.”

What’s confusing to me is my son used to play in the mud, paint his ass, stamp it on a piece of paper and laugh. He thought farts were funny and still does. When the door fell off his cozy coupe, he said, “I’m gonna get my tools.” He loves bugs, planets, rocks and anything high risk. He broke his arm standing on a sand & water table at age 4.

He had a perpetual bruise or cut on his face his entire life. In 8th grade, I caught him standing over a babbling brook on the “outside of a bridge”. At 18, He impulsively jumped off a cliff into a shallow pond and was lucky he didn’t break both his legs. I assumed this behavior was because “he is a biological boy.”

Gee I wonder where this gender trait assignment starts

Biology and assigned gender at that time, helped me understand. It got me through his childhood. Especially when I was seven months pregnant and my son was hospitalized for a subdermal hematoma at age two. (He was sitting at the table in his chair-attached booster with a tray, kicked the table and fell backwards.)

He was admitted to the ICU overnight and then a standard hospital room. I could not keep him in the room. He wanted to constantly walk the hospital halls and explore. If we didn’t let him roam free, he would fight and scream. He NEVER surrendered.

While he was jumping on the couch in the hospital room, the neurosurgeon walked in & scolded me. It was terrifying as a mom because I could not let him be himself and keep him safe.

I could get him to sit still with a 20-minute show. First it was Baby Einstein. Then I could get him to watch two episodes of The Backyardigans.

His favorite episodes of The Backyardigans involved Aliens, Knights, & Pirates…

Then movies gave us more blocks of “chill time”, so we would watch Pirates of the Caribbean, Chronicles of Narnia and E.T. He got fired up, he cried at the end of E.T, he kept the imaginative situations going all day.

All the boys and girls on the block joined in. Oddly, he argued more with other boys. He would say to me frequently “girls are just better.”

This dressing up as characters continued with all the superheroes and then pop culture icons. He loved to dress up and pretend to be anyone who inspired him.

He dressed up as male shaggy one year and female shaggy the next.

I volunteered as “lunch mom” and observed my son talking with four girls at recess about The Diary of a Wimpy kid while the other boys in the class played war and tackled each other. My son would have deep, meaningful conversations with girls instead of wrestling with the boys.

In high school, Classmates began calling him “gay” and “faggot”.

I would ask “Are you gay?” and he replied, “NO!”

I’d say “then why are you upset?”

He replied, “I don’t know.”… or know yet.

I would say “well, you are funny, handsome, sensitive, quirky and a good dresser so I could see where they are coming from.” He would smile, but had tears in his eyes.

A few months later, he stated to us that he began struggling with his sexuality. He “came out as Bi-sexual.” Nbd. I get it.

Yet, he continued to date other females over the next five years. I found this confusing.

Away at college, he gravitated toward “theys” but would get into arguments if he got their “pronouns wrong.” People would say he is a “man-splainer” but he thinks of himself as feminine.

The irony is what he “man-splained” to his four male college roommates; was a lecture about women. He talked to them about having boundaries, respecting women and advised them to “ask for permission” instead of groping women. He explained “consent” regardless of gender. They all stopped speaking to him the rest of the semester.

I found myself saying “Everyone makes mistakes. Can’t you just let this go to keep these friends and get along with your roomates?”

He replied “I don’t care, I don’t want to be friends someone who treats people this way.”

In college, he began dating a female, who was previously in a lesbian relationship. She claimed she “hated all men” except him. After eight months of him spending a ridiculous amount of money on her and doing all the “male” tasks she was unable to do that required size and strength; like helping her move, lifting things, putting items together; she dumped him. She decided she “hates all men, including him.” Misogyny works both ways.

As a mom, listening to my son, I say “it sounds like she was using you and I’m annoyed at how much money you spent on her.”

My son replies, “Mom, please don’t talk about her like that.”

What?

Kinda humiliating when your kids respond more mature than you in a situation.

In summary, he can physically do male things, yet he listens & empathizes like a woman. He respects and admires women. He is affectionate and chivalrous. He’s a good listener. He won’t even speak badly about someone who broke his heart.

Where does he belong?

He says he is gay and pansexual. He “expresses himself” as female. He states he is Queer and “gender fluid.” He can also lift shit and he is strong.

My son argues that gender is a social construct. Back in the day, men used to wear heels, wigs, make-up and tights. All I know is, people can be especially cruel online, I didn’t want my son to get made fun of, but I want him to be himself. Flashback to those same feelings I had when he was two...I was terrified I could not let him be himself and keep him safe.

My confusion about biology, gender expression, sexuality, and my son wearing make-up/nailpolish continued, until Shane Hollander and Ilya Rosavov rocked my world.

***If you have not watched the series, very minor spoiler alerts below!***

Shane & Ilya are biological men who appear to be “total dudes”that call each other by their last names, give each other shit and tell each other to fuck off.

Internally, they struggle with how society would perceive their sexuality and how their sexuality would impact their professional hockey career.

The relationship starts out sexual with no strings attached. Over the years, Shane and Ilya discover this relationship is more than lust & sex, when intimacy becomes apparent. There is anticipation, bantering and yearning. They are affectionate and sweet to each other. They are good friends to each other.

Suddenly I could understand how Shane and Ilya are biologically male, both express male gender, Ilya is Bi-sexual, Shane is gay. However, their relationship shows that males are CAPABLE of showing intimacy & affection in a way women desire. Their sexuality is separate than gender and biology. Duh, how does this get so convoluted?

I can make sense of TV shows, plays, books, & movies, but I cannot understand what is right in front of me, in real life. Perhaps whatever is closest to us, causes the biggest blind spot.

Finally, I could “see” what my son was trying to convey. My son is biologically male, expresses himself as female gender, and his sexuality is pansexual. Three separate entities.

I am all about my daughter “being anything she wants” and she can be powerful, she can be a superhero, she can play in the mud, she can be funny and smart. She can swear like a sailor and think farts are funny. She can be a “tomboy”, a construction management major, a bad ass & an athlete. However, I can’t see my own restrictions with gender and its societal assigned accessories are reversed with my son.

Then, I remembered all the days my son dressed up as all the characters he loved. How he “expressed” himself. Therefore, he continues to do so. Nailpolish isn’t just for girls. Pink is not “only for girls”, blue is not just for boys, being a hair stylist, a nurse or a therapist is not just for women, being a cop is not just for men, being a make up artist and wearing bright colors is not just for women, being president is not just for men …

Guys can be beautiful, guys can be “pretty.”

Fast forward to 2026, my son still thinks “girls are just better.” So he is dressing up as a female just like how he did as a Knight or Captain America…in the big picture, WHO can argue with that?

https://www.instagram.com/p/DVGr34dkRDq/?igsh=MWZmazY2bDBhMXBlMg==

This book helps understand where some of this originates:

https://www.audible.com/pd/006303431X?source_code=ASSORAP0511160006&share_location=pdp

2025 year from hell, Aging parents, Anxiety, Family disasters, Mental Health

Babysitting Blues

February 6, 2026February 9, 2026 quillankellydunn

This was us…. my siblings and I at the beginning of 2025…

Fresh start, new year! We were discussing renting a house together during the summer. Things were looking good!

My adult kids are always out or doing their own thing in their room. Around March, I was starting to feel stir-crazy and erroneously said out loud that “I’m kind of bored”. Ideas of going back to school or looking for a new job crossed my mind. I decided that I need a new challenge…..

For the love of God, do not say that you are bored out loud (do not even think it!) Also, do not mention you need a challenge. The Universe is always listening….

Soon after having that thought, my daughter’s senior year stuff exploded. We were spending money like crazy. Five days before graduation, my son informs me he needs help being moved out of his dorm that weekend.

Then, I injured myself and couldn’t walk.

My sister found out she needs a hip replacement.

In June, my baby sister had a different type of medical scare…

Meanwhile, our brother has a perpetual flow of weekly disasters that we assist in solving.

In July, my mom went from working full time and taking the train daily downtown …to a forced retirement at age 70. Her retirement was due to some medical issues and vision impairment from macular degeneration and glaucoma.

Somehow we got through the medical issues. We revamped her diet, got her on a meal, hydration & medication schedule etc. Unfortunately, we were very clueless on how to handle the sudden vision loss. This was a HUGE adjustment for her and for us.

She lost her independence overnight. All of her favorite things involve seeing.

We felt terrible for mom, but also frustrated because both eye conditions are exacerbated by untreated hypertension and diabetes. Mom took her medication on her terms, not the doctors. She watched her sugar intake but not carbohydrates. She put her job first. She couldn’t remember the last time she had an eye exam. Then states “it was before Covid.”

Therefore, both conditions were not managed. She developed something called metabolic encephalopathy. It caused her to talk incessantly, even in the bathroom alone. There was no filter.

My mom knows her way around her apartment well and claimed she could see certain things. It appeared to us that she could, but then she would do strange things; like pick up a diaper off the ground and ask “is this a hat?”

Some days she would get ready herself and look adorable, other days she would sleep all day and looked homeless when we arrived. Sometimes she would decide to go shopping alone without telling anyone. During one of her solo shopping excursions at CVS, she purchased a foundation that was 17 shades darker than her skin tone because it was on sale.

Mom decided to try this new foundation out at her great-granddaughters christening. She got a ride there from her grandson. When she walked into church, my sisters and I nearly knocked people over trying to get to her because we thought she fell and bruised her face…ummm no, it was just an excessive amount of burnt orange foundation.

Thankfully, people with babies have baby wipes so we scrubbed mom’s face, hands and neck clean in the tiny, church bathroom.

Crisis averted.

A few weeks later, Mom accompanied the grandkids to the pumpkin patch. Things were going along smoothly until my mom witnessed an dark-skinned toddler on a leash and innocently states “I didn’t know you could bring dogs here?”

The parent of the child on a leash overheard and went ballistic on my mom and then my baby sister. Thankfully, mom cannot hear so well either so she didn’t know what was going on.

At this point, we worked really hard at finding a caregiver during the day for my mom.

One evening in late October, my sister arrived at my mom’s and mom answered the door without a top on & wearing two different slippers. This is abnormal behavior for mom so she took her to the hospital.

Mom was sleeping but her enzyme levels were going up, indicating she was having a heart attack. They also discovered from her MRI that she had a stroke, called an embolic shower.

This caused a hilarious case of hospital delirium. She did not believe she was in the hospital. She would become furious when hospital staff reminded her she was.

Mom would state, “I swear, if one more person tells me I’m in the hospital, I’m gonna knock them out. I’ll kill em!” 🤣 (she’s a 110lb tiny lady)

The places she believed she was in varied, like a funeral home, her boyfriend’s basement that was decorated scary for Halloween, and camping.

We felt guilty for laughing, but what else can you do at this point? Cry and feel hopeless!?

So we decided to have fun with these hallucinations and roll with it. My brother asked her who she was going camping with?

Mom replied, “Oh ya know, the usual crew.”

Mom states: “I have never gone camping so I should go but I don’t want to. Russell is going.”

(Who is Russell?)

Mom then thought there was a little girl in her room dressed up in a Doritos costume and offered her some juice.

While she believed she was at the funeral home, she called me at 5am stating “I am really underdressed for this wake, can you pick me up. I am in New Lenox.”

Instead of reorienting her, I replied “so who died mom?”

Mom replies: “I don’t know, but I am trying to figure it out, I’m watching the slideshow now.”

She had to have a EEG and MRI. Whatever meds they gave mom, I want some. 🤣 She thought she was at a destination wedding in Maui and was telling us how beautiful it was.

Mom gradually shifted from the delirium to mania. This was exacerbated by caffeinated coffee. She would talk non-stop, so it would take her two hours to finish a meal.

Her 80 year-old boyfriend came to visit her and he was met with mood fluctuations of euphoria and anger. She began yelling at him for watching the Jayne Mansfield documentary without her. She then threw her blanket over her head and hid under there for a hour.

Her boyfriend knows better to keep his mouth shut when she’s angry.

After ten days, she was discharged to a rehab center.

I arrived the first morning to bring her clothes and my mom was whispering “this place is horrible and my roommate is a man! He’s huge with this deep voice. He would not shut up last night.”

Then I meet her roommate who is of course, a female, dressed in many layers because goes out to smoke frequently. She informs us that mom is her 27th roommate and she’s seen it all.

I don’t know lady, you haven’t met my mom yet. She is little but she is fierce. Especially if you turn the light on while she’s sleeping.

She was fairly cooperative at the rehab center except mom states “the staff think I’m a troublemaker.” She debated about exercising and she was enraged when they interrupted her while watching The Drew Barrymore show.

She asked us and the staff everyday when she can go home.

She was discharged home after two weeks. The regression of your parents and the role reversal that is experienced is not something you can ever be prepared for until you go through it yourself.

Becoming her caregiver did feel like babysitting at times for us. We would end the evening family group text with “moms all tucked in wearing her pull-up, Jammie’s and slippers.”

Mom became more herself at home, except now she wanted to go back to her old habits. Not eating often enough, then eating too much, wanting to hydrate with coffee and Diet Coke. The debating and arguing began, about her wanting cereal, pasta and beef.

She still would sneak off on her own to Calabria Imports, even though one sister meal-prepped weekly food. We only found out because she left the receipt on the table. When confronted, mom states “Oh here comes the detective, investigating what I’m doing!”

This is where we went bezerk on mom.

Mom would reply:

My sisters and I on the phone:

We found two caregivers, one from the state and one we pay out-of-pocket. She was rude to them too, but they weren’t her daughters so they didn’t take it personally and just laughed at her. After meeting with the kidney doctor, the fear of going to dialysis or losing a limb got mom to surrender.

Our youngest sister reminded us that Mom is doing her best and it’s pretty cool she still wants to live alone with caregivers. She’s a courageous lady. Mom is grateful now for her caregivers and her family who is helping her. I think now, she has accepted her normal age limitations and changes. Mom finally believes she is loved.

P.S. Always put your health first! Taking care of yourself and going to annual appointments are mandatory. Exercise so you can function later in life! A Job is not an excuse to neglect yourself!

Unrelated honorable mentions:

#Beyourself, sunshine & rainbows

Tragically Hip

February 2, 2026February 11, 2026 quillankellydunn

Now.. this is a story all about how…
My life got flipped, turned upside down…And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there and I’ll tell you how I became a hobbling mom cuz life’s not fair…🤣

I mentioned in my last blog about a hip labrum repair and impingement surgery I had mid-September 2025…

Well as Murphy’s law would have it, things did not go as planned. Thought I would share this story to prevent other people from suffering the same consequences. (You’re welcome)

I really liked the initial doctor who I was seeing since May 2025 and he completed my cortisone shot on July 3rd. He referred me to the head surgeon in the office for further treatment. I also enjoyed all the female staff who worked there.

One employee, Jill, was so funny and down to earth, I would leave with sore cheeks from laughing so hard. I considered asking her to go out for drinks sometime.

Me to Jill: Did we just become best friends?

However when I’m met the surgeon, I was disappointed. My initial thought was “he’s a douche bag.” I was not impressed with his handshake, demeanor or bedside manner. I ignored my first impression because I liked the staff so much.

The Surgery took place on September 17, 2025. I had one X-ray post surgery in the office, on September 30th. The Douchebagsurgeon (DBS) said everything looked good. I followed up with DBS six weeks after surgery, 10/28/25 and he told me I could stop wearing the brace. I continued with my daily exercises and PT twice a week.

I weaned off the brace, but I was still in significant pain and I thought I was walking weird.

I followed up with the DBS again on November 7th, advising him that something was wrong. DBS completed a physical exam and said to stretch and ice more. He did not take another X-ray.

I called the office November 25th advising them that I fell onto the toilet (because now my right leg gave out- it was getting sore from doing all the work). They scheduled me for an appointment on December 9th.

When my family witnessed the way I was walking on Thanksgiving…

They strongly advised I get a second opinion. I scheduled an appointment with a recommended physician. The soonest available was January 5th, 2026.

On December 9th, the DBS advised that I was experiencing muscular pain from my piriformis area and I could get a cortisone shot by his partner. DBS still didn’t take another X-ray.

The cortisone shot doctor was so empathetic and I felt heard. He was like “Guurrrlll, what are gonna do about this hip!?”

I’m serious, he really said that.

He took an X-ray of my back to make sure everything was ok and gave me the shot on December 12th.

After about a week, the piriformis area pain subsided. Instead, I began to feel more pain in the area that I had the surgery. At PT, they suggested I begin using a cane temporarily.

This is how I was walking for real…definitely not doing a somersault thou.

There was never a discussion about the use of a cane before the surgery. PT said that a setback is normal and I worked harder, silently crying doing exercises.

Now my husband was getting pissed watching me walk and said he will come with me to next appointment.

I demanded an urgent appointment on December 23rd.

I laid on the table for my usual bullshit exam and I said my leg is shorter than the other. The DBS was especially dickish about it. He whipped out the tape measure with an attitude like “I’ll show you.” He said it was only a centimeter off and that’s normal.

I advised that I cannot put weight on my left leg and I keep walking on the ball of my foot, not bending my knee. My husband inquired about this. DBS states to my husband, “SHE wasn’t walking like this last time.”

I reply, “uh, yes I was!”

Again no X-ray.

So I spent the holidays using a cane. It turned out to be a big hit with my nieces and nephews.

I hobble along through the new year, and attend my second opinion appointment on the first Monday of 2026.

I gear up for the usual explanations:

“You have to be patient, recovery takes time, sometimes 5-8 months….”

Within minutes of arriving at the University of Chicago orthopedic center, I am brought back to receive X-rays. They not only did an X-ray standing up, but lying down in various positions.

I meet Dr. Sherwin Ho….

Dr. Ho listens to me for about ten minutes, clearly already aware of what’s wrong.

He states “You aren’t crazy. Your hip socket is completely collapsed. You now have a condition called avascular necrosis (AVN). The only solution is a hip replacement.”

I said “I feel like my leg is shorter than the other”, he replies “that’s because it is! About a half-inch at least!”

I see his female colleague on January 15th. She advised “I do not know what caused the AVN, but if I saw your MRI from June 2025; I would have advised a hip replacement then. You will be walking the day of the surgery and it is a very active recovery.”

Hallefuckinglujah.

I leave with a folder filled with packets of information. This is where the anger and humiliating hindsight kicks in.

Example one: Pre-and-post surgery last year, I received one piece of paper in a folder. There was no official pre-op appointment, brace was not explained. (I just woke up with a brace on after surgery and the box to take home and read myself.) I had to rely on PT who informed me of what not to do.

My pre-op appointment at the University of Chicago/ January 28th, 2026: They completed another set of extensive X-rays and labs on-site. I met with another person who went over the surgery with me.

I met with a third person who went over my medications and the entire recovery process and then another doctor came in to complete medical clearance.

My Hip replacement is scheduled for 2/11/26 at UofC Lagrange. I meet with PT who gets me walking that night before discharge. I will receive in home PT for the first two weeks. They told me to schedule the rest of PT now for four weeks out. I am unable to drive for six weeks.

Red Flags:

For my initial surgery in September, I went to an orthopedic office that is privately owned by the surgeon. What I learned: if a surgeon owns the practice, he answers to no one. He makes his own rules. At a hospital like Rush, Northwestern and University of Chicago, they have numerous teams who think of everything from risk management to home care. Hospitals follow a protocol.
An X-ray should have been taken at each follow-up visit. Now I have no idea when this other diagnosis started. I know now I should ask and then demand an x-ray.
I was in a “hurry to get fixed” and didn’t take the time to get a second and third opinion. What I learned: always go with your gut and your first impression; always get a second and third opinion. Liking the staff should not be a deciding factor of who performs the surgery. I was in a “hurry” and now I’m setback another 6 months. If you don’t LOVE ❤️ your doctor, find someone else.
I didn’t feel like “driving too far” or “wasting time with additional appointments”. What I learned: distance should not be a main factor. If I took the time to research, I would have discovered University of Chicago’s Orland park office was actually closer
DBS states post surgery “your hip looked way worse than the MRI once I got in there.” What I learned: if a doctor ever says anything like this to you, you should go see someone else immediately.
If a guy confuses a centimeter and a half inch, you know what that means…

If I had continued to listen to the DBS, I would still be crying through PT and doing more damage to the rest of my body.

I know I will be dancing again soon but a lot wiser this time.

#freedom, #opportunity, American, march for our lives, Uncategorized

It’s Because I’m Green Isn’t it?

November 3, 2025November 26, 2025 quillankellydunn

There really are some ignorant, asshole people in this world.

What happens though, when you become “one of those assholes”?

When you “hate people” in general, this maybe a sign you need to check yo self. (Unless you are Larry David, because his hating everything is hilarious and refreshing.)

When this is not part of your general personality and you feel an NEW overall disgust for the human race, you may want to look in the mirror. Why am I so grouchy?

Why do you “hate?” Why are you so jaded?

I recently had an eye-opening experience like this. In May 2025, I found out I had torn my hip labrum and a nerve impingement. I have never experienced pain like this where it consumed my entire mood and life.

Plus, the boredom..,

With not being able to walk outside and do my regular stress-reducing exercise, active meditation of walking in the woods, I became a miserable person.

Then I had to have surgery in September. I had so many restrictions. I became a raging grinch. I had to find all new coping skills.

The daily gratitude journal, weekly counseling, physical therapy, talking with friends, TV, movies, books, & music helped me through it at first, but there was still this underlying sadness, self-pity, and frustration.

A lot of past issues/demons began to resurface, where before I would breathe them away outside and “walk it off.”

All I wanted to do was check out on the couch, ice my leg and numb myself with Netflix & instagram.

I forced myself to go out when I was not ready and I was a crab. I was rude and sarcastic.

I found myself making stereotypical statements like a grumpy old man.

I was very impatient.

Then spiraled into not wanting to go anywhere. I was losing it.

However, fear, racism, hatred and ignorance has been #trending, so thought “I was normal.”

How can you take action when all you can do is lay there and wallow in your pain?

Despite being completely aware that this is temporary and I’m not permanently disabled, I was still catastrophizing. Meanwhile, my daughter went away to college, I still had to work and help my mom. I was empty and depleted. In addition to trying to function, none of my clothes fit right…

Everything I worked so hard for with strength training. was down the toilet. I looked like a 10lb sausage in a 5 lb bag.

Now I was really ANGRY.

Someone has to pay for this. I want justice! I want vengeance! However, there was no one to blame, I had to accept that shit happens in life and it’s no one’s fault. Still, I “hated” everyone.

Thankfully, my sisters & my friends, provided me love, support and care no matter how I behaved.

They reminded me of the big picture.

So I did what I could do, instead of focusing on what I couldn’t do. I read more enlightening books and listened to more empowering podcasts, instead of watching instagram and the news. Watched funny movies and TV. I got a massage and facial. I watched the sunset. I shopped for clothes that fit me. I took small walks.

Then a female, Arabic woman held the door for me at Starbucks, so I paid for her order. A stranger.

Afterwards, I began to cry.

I was inadvertently reminded “Hurt people, HURT people.”

I forgot that I need to give in order to receive…

When people showed me love, I was able to give love back. When I received compassion, I was able to give compassion. Isolating and ruminating was getting me no where, except a downward spiral of misery. I forgot that there are people doing way worse than myself. I was hurting so I wanted to hurt others. I hated my situation, so wanted to hate others.

Even when things were working for me, I wanted to self-sabotage and be miserable.

Therefore, my hatred was checked and I was able to look within. I now have way more empathy for my patients who are disabled, elderly, and those in constant pain.

This “culture of hate” is running on the fumes of our own internal struggles/fear/misery and we want someone to blame.

If everyone works until they no longer can, pays their taxes, follows the laws/rules of our country and accepts the insurance provided by their employer; we should all be good. If you break the law, you suffer the consequences.

Some people truly are disabled and are unable to work and some would give anything to be able to work again. I think we can all agree that no matter what race, color, gender, religion or sexuality we are; our core values are the same.

The beauty of our country is in our differences and diversity. We are all immigrants or descendants of some. It is evident when we ask each other “what is your nationality?”

I mean, what does “American citizen” truly look like? Everyone can’t be born here. Someone had to come here first.

The hard work of Americans & immigrants is what built this country. Refugees come to America out of fear for their life. If you aren’t fearing for your life, then follow the citizenship process. If you are here illegally, then work, take care of yourself, don’t expect hand-outs or break our laws.

We have no idea what anyone has been through, so let’s have some compassion; we are ALL human beings.

Please increase the size of your heart this season and for 2026, consider a resolution of volunteering, paying it forward, compassion and empathy for others instead of judging and hating.

Make America Kind Again.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DLu17xqxhGE/?igsh=Z3IxbGM2a2FwNG54

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DPmKEv6Ejt5/?igsh=MTd6ajB5YnZ0dDVxaA==

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DOw-GwFkZTi/?igsh=ZDdrcDU3MHY1aDBz

#Beyourself

I Say Hurl.

October 18, 2025October 28, 2025 quillankellydunn

“I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she’s yours.But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.” Wayne Campbell

Vulnerability is metaphor of Blowing chunks… spilling your guts…putting yourself out there.

It used to be something people rarely did. Usually confiding certain topics was saved for close friends, family or a mass audience when you publish a memoir.

Now it’s OK to completely “hurl” it all over social media. The bad habit or trend though, is when people put themselves out there, share too much, or offend someone, they get “canceled.”.

Therefore no one can ever make a mistake. No one can ever be misconstrued or misunderstood. Many statements and content can easily be taken out of context. This may lead to paranoia about everything you say. Some people may end up traumatized, clam up and are never heard from again.

When that happens, they no longer share their gifts with the world; all their possible contributions end up in the “idea graveyard.”

I used to share anything with anyone pretty quickly. I thought it was just me, my south side upbringing and “I am just like this.” The older I become, combined with the more I learn, the more I recognize that it was a total lack of boundaries. A lack of boundaries is not a personality trait, it is a trauma response. Lack of boundaries is a symptom.

I thought the word “trauma” was only applicable for populations like veterans, POW’s, victims of sexual rape/assault/abuse, witnesses to a murder, survivors of natural disaster & 911… you get the idea.

What it really is…

“Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, crime, natural disaster, physical or emotional abuse, neglect, experiencing or witnessing violence, death of a loved one, war, and more. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships, and even physical symptoms.”

The sudden shut down of the world in 2020 is an example of collective trauma.

Who truly knows the long-term effects of this trauma had on kids, teens & young adults who got jipped out of their 8th grade festivities, graduations and other rites of passage.

Examples of long-term effects of trauma that you may relate to:

Growing up with hungry or a lack of food in the house…perhaps as an adult, you binge eat, over-shop for food and waste it. This could stem from not knowing when your next meal was coming or if you didn’t eat something, it would be gone. So now as an adult, you scarf dat shit down. “Clean your plate” as we were told…

No wonder why most Americans are overweight.

If your family life was chaos, your parents were always fighting, someone was an alcoholic or drug abuser… you learned to cope with unpredictable occurrences and stay calm in chaotic events because this became “normal.”

As as an adult “you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop”, you pick fights with your significant other, you are excessively stressed and anxious over trivial, normal problems, you get depressed, anxious or “feel out of sorts” when relationships/life overall is going good.

Your body/brain does not know how to cope with calm, stable, & predictable…Therefore, what do you think happens if you cannot cope and become anxious with calm, quiet, stable, boring, everyday life…

You self-medicate!

Over-drinking alcohol, over-spending, over-exercising, over-smoking, over-masturbating, getting high too much or become addicted to porn and inadvertently are no longer be able to ejaculate with a real person.

Others may numb out binging TV for too many hours, clock in ridiculous hours on their phone/social media, over-use prescription drugs, use marijuana & other drugs too much…

Some people learn how to detach from their emotions, become numb or “frozen”… those feelings have to be felt and go somewhere… hello chronic pain.

Sometimes…Headaches, autoimmune disorders, migraines, back pain, fibromyalgia, IBS, and other unexplained ailments could be stemmed from chronic stress & stuffing emotions.

Therefore, if you think you are overdoing it in someway in your life, please see a therapist and possibly a trauma specialist. In that case, with privacy, HURL!

Vulnerability is cool, but we all have to process our trauma safely and re-learn healthy coping skills to live a less distorted life.

Unfortunately, I learned all this at an online two-day conference by the author of “The Body Keeps Score” when I was 49 years old.

So…I thought I would share with anyone else who is unaware. Also please keep being creative and share your gifts with the world. With AI now, we need some original, human creativity. Shits getting weird at lightning speed.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DJz3rVKTWWA/?igsh=NnJwY3M0b2lxc3E0

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DJ6y6HNOj3g/?igsh=MTVndWVyZTU5ODJkaQ==

https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DNBOZy3Cxxq/?igsh=M2ppbHF0bzQ3d2xu

https://www.audible.com/pd/0593412702?source_code=ASSORAP0511160006&share_location=pdp

#Beyourself, Find A Way, Health & Wellness, Let Them, Mel Robbins, Mental Health, Women's Fight

How much do ya need?

January 13, 2025January 3, 2026 quillankellydunn

Now that whirlwind of the holiday season is over and we are collectively experiencing a massive dopamine crash…

Let’s take a moment now to reflect and ponder…How the hell did we do all that?

Or maybe “What was I thinking buying that?”

The glow of the Christmas lights ignites a warm feeling in our hearts and a goodwill toward others. It courses through our veins like heroin. It’s as if the high of “giving the perfect gift” intoxicates our mind and clouds our judgement. We think with our hearts instead of our brain. Thankfully for our bank account, it only happens once a year. Yet, I still love every minute of it and will do it all again next year.

This year, however, it seemed more apparent to me than in years past, the weeks before Christmas are more of a rush than the actual day. The preparation for Christmas, the tree, decorating, shopping, & wrapping gets us excited. This excitement from Black Friday until 12/25 is a perpetual, steady, high like no other.

I noticed on Christmas day, there was a slight sting hovering in the background; mourning the loss of the “anticipation“.

Don’t get me wrong, my Christmas week was a blast. This was an ambivalent feeling of pure joy, combined with a lump in the back of my throat. I miss “looking forward to it”. I miss being excited. Must be aging…

This got me thinking… if I live to 100, I’ll only have 49 more Christmases. 😢

https://www.instagram.com/p/DEKp9XQxgq-/?igsh=MWo5Nzcyb21pN3h5dw==

While I was watching my annual Christmas movie selections; I noticed another surprising change. I found that I was annoyed with George Bailey. I’ve been loyal to him for 35 years so it’s tough to admit, but I have lost patience for him in my old age. He sounds like a whiny brat at times.

I have been identifying more with the true hero of the story..Mary Hatch Bailey. Mary knew what was going on the whole time.

Mary Hatch knew she loved George even as a young girl.

Mary whispers in his bad ear,
“George Bailey, I’ll love you til
the day I die.”

She was subtle and assertive when something or someone stood in her way.

Aka Back off Bitch, you can’t have ALL the boys in this town!

She knew where she wanted to live. She visualized and wished with her heart; it worked. Little did she know without the internet or Instagram, that she was manifesting dat shit into her life.

Most of all, she innately knew what was important and could see the big picture. She didn’t need a whole production of angels coming down from heaven and putting on a show of “not being born” to let her know what life is all about…

Mary stayed focused on her goals and didn’t pay attention what other people were doing.

When there was dilemma, Mary found a solution.

When the whole town was bankrupt, she “lent” her honeymoon money to the community.

She fixed up the old house to make it a “home.” She found a solution instead of whining about the cards she was dealt.

Am I still allowed to say she added
a “woman’s touch?”

She didn’t get embarrassed that her car was a p.o.s. or by what she was wearing.

Mary: “Why are you wearing diamonds and furs on a roadtrip?”

Mary had four babies, volunteered during the war and supported the well-being of her husband and kids.

When the $8000 went missing, she knew WHEN to ask for help from her friends. One person or family can’t do all the giving. She is aware that friendship is a two-way street.

She knew when to stop giving and to ask for help, she knew that pride doesn’t save anybody.

Therefore, we need to be aware of when to stop giving and start asking.

The key is, recognizing what is in your control and what is not.

Knowing when you need to LET others do what they are going to do.

Let others THINK what they are going to THINK.

Let people gossip.

Let people judge.

Let people display their true self all over the place.

Why? Because it is out of your control. Why expend the time and energy? If someone acts like they want to leave and doesn’t treat you the way you want, you can let them GO.

“Why don’t you GO HOME! aka GTFO George Bailey you lil bitch.”

Below is a link to 60 minutes of the best therapy ever (you can fast forward through commercials.)

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5mCeQEWX2CvRVId19mUyrh?si=F50whAw6Tqa3JWYN5zzdWg&context=spotify%3Aplaylist%3A37i9dQZF1FgnTBfUlzkeKt

This podcast episode provides the tools and mindset on common situations such as: Dealing with a stressful boss, a break up or a divorce, when your children can’t get motivated or when you feel guilty about disappointing your family, or friends & more.

The game-changing concept that is also discussed “If every thought you had cost a dollar, would you keep thinking about it?” Would you keep wasting your energy if it cost money?

How much more do you need to know?

Other people are ahead of me in noticing this:

https://hopenation.org/why-mary-from-its-a-wonderful-life-is-basically-life-goals/

Book from the podcast:

https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DFMX1RT8?source_code=ASSORAP0511160006&share_location=pdp

Runners up on seeing the big picture:

#freedom, #homeschoolingrealshit, #teens, American, Anxiety, Autism, Find A Way, Health & Wellness, migraine relief, parenting struggles, prettyinpink, Women's Fight

Pretty Pink Poison

May 17, 2024January 16, 2025 quillankellydunn

Since I’ve been gluten & dairy free for 20 years, my binging on candy and baked goods has been a lot more challenging.

This is a good thing of course.

I found out about celiac disease, the gluten allergy, before most heard of it, in 2004. People would look at me like I was nuts when I told them.

It wasn’t that big of a deal at first because I still had the option to binge on dairy products like ice cream, gluten-free pizza, Frappuccinos, cheese, & yogurt.

Then I kept getting these scorching sinus infections & migraines, so I went to the doctor. She suggested I try no dairy for a while because it’s mucus producing. Dairy is also a huge trigger for migraines.

Unfortunately, that was the solution. I felt fantastic physically, however, mentally not so good..

I went into a deep depression induced by cheese-withdrawal.

(I still have reoccurring dairy-free-depressive episodes, intermittently triggered by not being able to eat pizza or a grilled cheese etc.)

Dairy-free cheese has not been able to cut it…Cut the real cheese. 😔

Dairy, soy and gluten/wheat is in almost everything, especially most delicious candy bars and chocolate.

Since then, my occasional go-to favorite candy is pink starburst.

I savagely rip through my kids Halloween candy each year.

*Never realized that Andy’s dress resembles a PINK STARBURST* 🤩 *She looks delicious*

I’m usually irritable the next day if I eat a lot of sugar. Sugar hangovers are real. I do my best to limit it. However some days I cave if I’m really tired.

Anyways, my son bought me a huge bag of all pink starburst. It was a sweet gesture, yet I was furious with him.

“Don’t bring that shit in the house, you know I can’t control myself!“

I say this to him as I am shoving pink starburst into my mouth & frantically unwrapping more.

The binge began…

The scrumptious starburst were gone in about eight days.. Everybody in my house had some, but I consumed the most. I was pushing them onto my family like a crack dealer.

I was so crabby each morning.

I was in a steady, simmering rage for four days, irate, snapping at everyone, & ready to pounce.

Whenever I would have these episodes in the past, I would chalk it up to my period.

However, I had a hysterectomy in November 2023.

Can’t use my period as an excuse anymore. ….(next post will be about the correlation between diet, menopause & hormones).

I felt like I couldn’t sit still, couldn’t focus and I was so agitated.

If I am a 49-year old woman experiencing this type of chemically-induced rage, what do you think would happen to a toddler/child/teen if they consumed these products.

I used to think red 40 and behavioral problems was a bunch of baloney. I am humbled to admit that I believe the chemicals, artificial colors, flavors & Red#40 in our food is poison.

It may not be the instant, fatal poison. ☠️ However, it is clear in how the body reacts to these ingredients.

There are tons of tik toks, articles, & posts about the correlation of diet, red #40 & behavioral problems in kids/teens.

There is also concrete, scientific evidence that this is true here and article at the end.

This guy below is a doctor (@docamen) and boldly posted this, so there must be some truth to it:

Garbage in, Garbage out.

Terrible chemicals in our food combined with overstimulation from electronic devices sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Where do you think these episodes cause the most issues?

At school, where you need to focus, sit still and be receptive to learning.

Sitting still in a desk for hours is already difficult, why add anything to make it worse?

Maybe after kids consume starburst, skittles, nerds, twizzlers, fruit snacks, cheetos, doritos, pop-tarts, gatorade, sour patch kids, gummy bears, fruit roll ups, pudding snack packs, jello, powerade, high-C, juice etc, at breakfast or lunch-you may see behavior like this:

I am communicating this because I clearly overdosed on red 40. As an adult, who forgets sometimes and eats this crap; it’s obvious some people are very sensitive to this FDA permitted junk.

The FDA to consumers:

A friend of mine, a teacher of kindergarten, sent me this text after my last post.

Another teacher friend replied:

*We can’t keep dumping this on*
*teachers & schools.*

I won’t bore you with the details and the conspiracy theories. Instead, wondering if collectively, we ALL could stop purchasing products with red 40. Hopefully companies will stop making it the poisonous way.

Or perhaps, it can be banned like it is in Europe & other countries.

It’s all really confusing:

These products are fast and cheap but there is no food in your food.

Looking at the ingredients in products before you purchase them is frustrating and time consuming, however, if it prevents us and our kids/teens from behaving like assholes, isn’t it worth it?

Something quick now is slowly poisoning ourselves over time.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5To1VsgHKq/?igsh=MTkybDRnY3B0ODByMA==

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2214750023000926

ADDENDUM 1.15.25 Yay

https://youtu.be/vDsWU1qV_0k

#Beyourself, coming of age

You are Enough

February 23, 2024 quillankellydunn

What advice would you give to your teenage self?

Your skin is perfect, don’t touch it.

Listen to your mom and wear sunscreen.

Drink a glass water when you wake up and everytime you go to the fridge or cabinet.

What you are looking for isn’t in there.

Don’t over pluck.

Exercise. Walk. Run. Do push-ups

Do sit ups, & floor work instead of waiting for the phone to ring.

Start journaling how you feel.

Guys, alcohol, cigarettes, & food are not the answer.

High school is a gift, cherish every moment.

Listen more, talk less.

Ask others questions instead of blabbing about yourself.

Be a good friend to your sisters & brothers, they will be your foundation.

Listen to every word your grandparents say.

Be nicer to your mom, she truly is doing beyond the best she can. You have no idea what she has been through.

Hug your siblings, mom & grandparents more.

Everything you want in life is what you have right now…

#doitanyway, #freedom, #opportunity, #teens, #whiplash, Find A Way, sunshine & rainbows, Trauma

A Case of Whiplash

February 23, 2024January 16, 2025 quillankellydunn

The most difficult class I took in grad school was called Group Dynamics.

I walked in to a large classroom set up with thirty desks facing each other in a circle. The only person in the circle without a backpack at their feet, was a lanky, tall guy wearing a plaid shirt and navy tie.

He resembled a 45 year old Alex P. Keaton with Dick Van Dyke legs. His legs were crossed and he looked way too casual for a student. His elbow was propped on the desk and his hand held a pen that he clicked repeatedly next to his ear. He continued to look at each of us, yet didn’t say a word.

When the clock displayed the 6:30pm start time, no teacher introduced themself. It was odd. Five minutes went by without anyone speaking. The clock seemed to move in slow motion. The quiet was deafening and awkward.

After about 15 minutes, we all started looking at each other with that WTF-bewildered-look. Some raised their hands, no response. Students talked out loud, asked questions, some whispered to each other.…crickets…most students shrugged their shoulders.

We sat there in silence for 50 minutes. 🦗

It was maddening.

At the end of the class, the syllabus was passed around and the teacher left.

His name was Dr. Wolf.

The Assignment for the next week was to turn in five group dynamic observations we learned from this class.

But, we didn’t learn anything?

I scoured the book for hours all week trying to figure it out. I turned my sentences in, received it back at the end of class -grade 0/5. What?

Week after week I would relentlessly read and compose informative sentences only to receive a big fat zero. So I tried harder, read the chapter longer.

Continuous weekly ZEROS.

Each class, the silent Dr. Wolf would remain unresponsive, despite the students were becoming visibly frustrated, emotional, & downright irate.

When I received a zero on my test, my chest collapsed in devastation. I remember walking out of school into the January cold, sobbing. That Ugly cry. I cried all the way home and considered dropping the class.

Unfortunately, the class was mandatory in order to graduate.

I never tried so hard at anything in my life. Finally, I got angry.

I said “Fuck it.” I stopped trying. I stopped caring. I didn’t look at the book for a week.

After the next class, I half-assedly wrote down what I observed in the class. I relished in my passive aggression to the teacher.

Get. Bent. Dr. Wolf.

My statements:

1. “Without proper leadership, a group begins to look to each other for a new leader because their current one sucks.”

2. “Without direction or rules, a group breaks into cliques or subgroups and complains or talks about their own topics.”

3. “When the leader ignores the group, the members become frustrated, disrespectful, or withdrawn.”

4. “Without leader guidance, group members may want to leave the group.”

5. “Emotionally unsupportive male leaders may become strangely attractive to group members.”

The last one cracked me up.

Clearly, I got a thing for tall, lanky, emotionally unavailable men. 😉

I turned in these statements at end of class. I didn’t even wait until the next week. I wanted him to associate my face with my answers. I gave him an obstinate look as I tossed the sheet on his desk.

That following week I was excited to receive my zero. At least I didn’t waste hours of my time for this F/Zero. I hoped to see some type of expression on Dr. Wolf’s smug, stupid yet sexy face.

The paper was given to me with a

5 out 5-100% in red ink!!!

My neck snapped back like I was in a head-on collision. My temples throbbed like I had a case of whiplash.

Huh?

Then the epiphany…

Ohhhhh, he wants to know what I think, not what the books says.

I learned this without him saying one word.

I was also trying way too hard instead of seeing big picture.

“Work smarter, not harder” finally became clear.

From that day on, I was on fire.

Once I “got it” … I was unstoppable.

Imagine if I quit before it clicked. What a shame that would’ve been.

I learned more from this class than any other in my entire educational career.

Why?

Now this occurred 20+ years ago.

What would’ve happened if this class occurred in 2024?

Most would’ve just given up, dropped the class, maybe even changed majors. There was no instant gratification.

The giving up reasoning aka whining or excuses would probably sound like:

“It’s too hard!”

“He is emotionally abusive.”

“I’m being bullied.”

“The teacher is racist.”

“He’s a narcissist.”

These are paraphrased statements that I have heard from my own children and from other kids/teens; even adults.

Which I usually counter with “Maybe they are, but what are you learning from this?” as my mind flashes back to Dr. Wolf…

However, I never realized that at times, I was enabling my kids to use their feelings as an excuse; or making them feel too special so they thought they didn’t have to try.

My intention was to empower my kids, instead, I may have been fostering dependence on my approval.

I believe collectively, we all wanted to ensure our children had a more positive upbringing than we did.

Unfortunately, it may have gone too far and it seems to be backfiring.

As Simon Sinek states here & in the below link that this mindset could’ve been exacerbated we started to give everyone participation trophies.

Kids learned that everybody gets rewarded even if they don’t try, so why bother exerting effort.

Painful revelation

I am humbled to admit this:

When my husband encouraged my kids to throw away all of their participation medals & trophies, my kids (7 & 5) were crying, I erroneously sided with my kids.

I didn’t understand what my husband was trying to accomplish. He was ten years ahead of me. All I could see is how upset they were.

My own childhood confusion was prolonged by not having the “WHY” explained, so I convinced my husband to explain WHY he wanted the kids to do this. It made sense, sort of. I still didn’t see how this would have an impact on their future.

I see it now.