Honestly, how many times a day do you think you think or say:
WTF IS HAPPENING?
Obviously, there are many topics currently, that I want to say wtf about.
One in particular, applies directly to us, to our kids and the future generation.
I thought it was established, especially during quarantine, that teachers are way underrated.
Teachers should make quadruple of what they are making now. Teachers should be treated like politicians.
I have many friends that are teachers, so this is a combination of stories that I’ve heard from them. There appears to be an ongoing theme:
No Respect for Authority
Sense of Entitlement
Expecting HIGH grades
with LOW effort
Little Value in Hard Work
We all had to start at the bottom and work our way up. There is no skipping this step.
One of my friends,W, went back to school while raising three kids. She now has a job as a science teacher at a high school.
W is one of those gifted individuals who can bring out the best in people, especially kids/teens. She can make them laugh just by a facial expression.
W sacrificed so much to earn this degree. W lost a lot of precious time not watching her children growing up to apparently raise other people’s children.
Gradually throughout her first year of teaching, she has appeared worn down, discouraged and burnt out. At times, it’s as if she lost her spirit.
Every time we go for a walk, W has some ridiculous story involving:
Students are on their phones during class and not paying attention. She has to repeat herself four or five times. The more she tries to enforce no phones, the more argumentative, irate and even aggressive the students become.
The students are rocking in their seats to soothe themselves from the absence of this device. They don’t know how to tell time on the clock on the wall. They keep asking her what time it is. They don’t know how to read. They don’t know how to follow directions. They don’t know how to think without googling the answer. It’s like they’re complete zombies without that phone.
The best story so far was when a female came up to W during class stating that she needs her phone so her boyfriend can call her from jail.
The female student states “He only has a certain time that he can call me so I don’t know what to do.”
W replied “Well, for starters, you should probably find yourself a new boyfriend”
Thankfully, the girl laughed & returned to her seat.
W is the only teacher that is enforcing a no phone policy during class, because the other teachers have understandably, given up. It is too exhausting. It sounds as if the faculty is perpetually in self-preservation mode & walking on eggshells around these teen toddlers.
W is presenting a new policy to the board to enforce an all-school-no-phone-use-during-class. Why? Because the kids aren’t learning when they have a phone distracting them. She CARES.
She is making a difference, but caring is taking a toll on her.
She’s had to break up fights in class, students are getting in her face, & other are students recording it. How is this fair?
If these teen-toddler bullies do not receive consequences and limits, they will just grow up to be an asshole.
It is scary that teens are now attempting to bully and intimidate adults/authority figures
Perhaps it’s because all the students are staring at their phones, they don’t have to interact with anyone around them. The only person that may be directly speaking to them is the teacher.
Teasing & Bully encounters can be good among peers. It builds character. It teaches a person to learn how to stick up for themselves.
Sometimes, when friends or foes make fun of you, you may learn to stop doing some inappropriate or annoying mannerisms in public. You learn how to speak to people, have a filter, & understand what can be perceived as rude or ignorant. It’s part of growing up, the socialization process.
We all need feedback.
This interaction is also good to prepare individuals for dealing with difficult people in the future. If you don’t experience this type of social banter growing up, you may end up being naive and fall for a lot of jokes/pranks.
What is going on behind-the-scenes in the mind of a bully:
No one deserves bullying however, these frustrating social interactions teach us something. Getting pissed off and fed up is motivating. Taking action to become a victor instead of a victim.
Speaking of victims, have you ever encountered a teacher that you were sure had it out for you?
Sometimes they do have it out for you. Some are micromanagers, bitter, resentful, angry, sadists or feel powerless them selves.
However, the majority of teachers really do care.
If they didn’t care about their job, the students and their future, they would just operate on autopilot, turn a blind eye or laugh it off.
Looking back, every time I got in trouble, I was terrified. Once, I was escorted by a teacher to the disciplinarian’s office.
You know what, I never pulled that crap again.
I didn’t realize at the time that my teacher who spent the time escorting me to the office, actually cared about me.
Biologically, teenagers do not have the mental capacity for empathy. They do not comprehend how they are wasting the teachers time, effort and energy. Teens are biologically self-absorbed.
Kids, teens, even adults should receive consequences because that’s how they grow and learn from mistakes.
I am only one person and I have no clue how to help rectify this. I am sure there are many individuals who can see the big picture of the disaster that is waiting for us in the future.
Soon people will be a shell of themselves
I’m tired of shaking my head and muttering WTF is happening.
Any ideas???
Simon Sinek describes the dopamine rush from phones in these clips. An unmonitored cell phone is like an open access liquor cabinet for kids and teens.
Have you ever had a vivid memory of an experience from decades ago come flooding back to you out of nowhere?
I had this memory tsunami happen to me yesterday.
I have been doing this Meditation challenge since the beginning of 2024. This app was referred to me by my brilliant colleague. (Links below).
Yesterday morning, I completed session four of the “Taming Anxiety” challenge. The topic was about cognitive distortions.
I haven’t thought about my own battle with cognitive distortions since college.
Feeling compelled to share my experience in case anyone is feeling stuck or discouraged. I could’ve used the information below way earlier.
This life-altering moment occurred when I met with the school counselor about my schedule. Apparently, something I said was a red flag to the counselor that I was struggling with anxiety.
Thankfully, she did not use the word “anxiety” at the time. Unlike now, that uncommon, scary word and its symptoms were foreign back in the 90’s.
The counselor handed me a paper describing cognitive distortions (CD). I distinctly remember reading these, with my eyes bulging out of my head. I was in utter shock that this wasn’t a “normal” way to think.
As a student, I was able to start seeing her weekly for free. If it wasn’t free, I would have never gone through with it. I needed to save my money for nickel beer night. (A non-clinical, absurd cognitive distortion. 😏)
Each week, I discussed all of the stupid, irrational, and impulsive behaviors I did while operating in a perpetually, anxious state-of-mind.
It took a tremendous amount of effort to retrain my brain, unlearn old ways and reframe the CD. I truly believed I would NEVER be able to stop them.
I kept showing up even though I dreaded it and was uncomfortable.
By going to counseling & actively participating, I inadvertently leaned toward anxiety and its clutches.
Then an emotion showed up…humiliation aka cringe.
All I can say is thank effing gawd there were no cell phones or social media back then.
I experienced all of these:
After about 20 sessions, the counselor subtly addressed my lifestyle and inquired about how I have been coping with these tricky little fuckers.
The counselor then pointed out that contrary to popular belief, alcohol will only temporarily help. “Alcohol and marijuana are like a band-aid, and they make anxiety worse if using them to “self-medicate”. They may also cause paranoia.”
Every single one of those pesky, mind-fucking, cognitive distortions were on blast all-of-the-time. Ironically, they were present before, but I did not notice because I was detached from myself.
Suddenly, when I got in-tune with my body & mind, I felt paralyzed with anxiety. I froze, couldn’t make decisions, and just stopped everything.
Which led to…
Social anxiety & social isolation
I was terrified that I would have a panic attack in public. Panic attacks are real & scary AF.
I was very confused that I felt worse in therapy. The counselor gently reminded me that “Things get worse before they get better, it is always darkest before the dawn.” I let go & trusted the process.
Once I accepted it…I became consumed with talking about anxiety and explaining myself to everybody.
Side effect of untreated trauma+anxiety=lack of boundaries…
Thankfully, I had a very, wise friend, who could see the big picture. She said something profound to me like this:
Engaging with a friend who “gets you” without judgement, makes a monumental difference.
With time, patience, and lifestyle changes, this way of thinking extinguished itself. Of course this anxiety got “canceled” by utilizing a combination of counseling, mindfulness, physical exercise, limiting caffeine/sugar/alcohol, spending time outside often, taking vitamins, journaling, yoga/pilates, mindfulness, medication and most importantly, in-person human connection.
Looking back, it appeared to be absolutely impossible to overcome.
Now it seems like no big deal. I had to feel it, do the emotional work and allow it to pass.
I am glad that there is less stigma & more awareness about mental health and anxiety, currently.
However, it should not be used as an excuse to give up. No one IS their diagnosis. The more you avoid, numb, or hide from it, the longer it takes. Running from it only prolongs the process. The process can be conquered with the proper guidance, effort, & dedication.
In 1998, there was no other option in my outlook, except to keep trying. It was also way easier to unplug and detach back in the olden days.
How terrifying for gen z, teenagers & children right now? The social pressure, “cancel culture”, picture-perfect-life-posting and the “it’s-too-hard-I-give-up” mindset is disheartening.
Humans have survived thousands of years before iPhones, social media and the internet.
Reminder: Humans are resilient.
The epiphany empowered me today to push my teens to face uncomfortable emotions that sting.
Pain teaches you something.
Nothing ever grows in a comfort zone.
It’s a constant effort to remind myself of what is considered a big deal to my kids.
Social connection is getting worse, not better. Therefore, it is never too early to start healthy coping strategies. I mean, if nine-year-olds are spending $900 at Sephora on anti-aging skin regimens, then it wouldn’t hurt for a child/teen to unplug their mind for 15 minutes a day.
What I really like about this app is it makes the decision for you. It is like a parent that perhaps all adults need sometimes. “This is what is on the agenda today, do it and stfu.” It has a calendar that keeps track of your progress. Lastly, the founder, Dan Harris, describes how he had a panic attack on national television.
Any generation could understand how mortifying that had to be.
If numb & detached, you can’t feel love Since I published this, I completed this 7 out 10 day challenge. I don’t know why but this little badge made me feel a slight bit of accomplishment.
This is a revised re-post. It’s was a therapeutic, free association that is too difficult for me to shorten…
September 8, 2020…When I saw that “CobraKai” was the #1 watched series on Netflix, my mouth dropped open. I started trembling. I assume this reaction was due to a level of euphoria that I have not been able to publicly get in touch with since 1986. It was an intoxicating feeling of true belonging, like “I am not that big of a weirdo” after all. Other people in this world are clearly are obsessed with Karate Kid as well.
My siblings and I can quote The Karate Kid pretty much word for word. I’m sure people who have witnessed us in “Karate Kid (“KK quote mode”) must have thought, “Jeez, how many times have you watched this.” Daniel Larusso’s self-righteous anger & Johnny Lawrence with his gleaming, blonde, visor haircut never gets old.
“Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval.”
Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Over the years, there has been brief moments where I’ve had the courage to be my authentic-KK-loving self. This was usually brought on, subconsciously, by enough alcohol that could kill a small child. Some may get white girl wasted, but I prefer to say Mr. Miyagi wasted.
This first incident was released by liquid courage, not true courage. I was 21ish, enjoying the last few hours of the weekend at Reilly’s Daughter. As Cruel Summer by Banana Rama began blaring, one of my sloppy, drunk, guy friends slurred these words to me “Hey! The Karate Kid song!” Omg. Suddenly, there was something there between us that wasn’t there before.
As he was clumsily swaying back and forth to the song, holding a pitcher of Lemovox in one hand, a full cup with a cigarette in the other; he stepped out of the friend zone and he became strangely attractive. I was captivated by his lack of rhythm and impeccable hand-eye coordination. I was entranced and ready to make out with him in the middle of the bar; kinda like how Daniel nearly swallowed Ali at Golf ‘n Stuff.
By the grace of God, he slipped and wiped out on the perpetually sticky and damp, bar floor. The pitcher of lemovox spilled all over his clothes, hair and eyes. He stumbled to get up, screeching that the cheap, acidic combo was burning his eyes.
The laughter of all the guys combined with his fall, broke the lemovox induced spell.
Where am I? Perhaps I should re-think this?
Anyways, it was a close call. This was my first indication that my private obsession with Karate Kid could potentially become a big problem. If I acted on my irrational impulses, it would have been, literally, a cruel summer for me. My friends would’ve ripped me apart for the next six months; perhaps years. I made sure to keep this side of me repressed in the future.
I will play possum until this goes away
The second time, the obsession re-surfaced during an emotionally vulnerable time. I was married for two years and had my first baby. The newness of having a newborn had run its course. The financial pressure of adulting with a mortgage and unpaid maternity leave left me no choice but to be back at work in 10 weeks.
I had just stopped breastfeeding/pumping and the hormonal-fluctuations resulted in giant eruptions on my chin. My body…that awful in-between phase of maternity clothes and regular clothes. Nothing fit right and I felt uncomfortable, bloated, and fugly. My wardrobe consisted of stained tops and a choice of either cameltoe khakis or muffin-top black pants. I wanted to hide.
All this combined with running on 3 hours of sleep and the fluorescent lighting of the emergency room where I worked; left me feeling real attractive.
To make matters worse, my husband and I were working opposite schedules to be home with our son. We slowly became disconnected, sleep-deprived roommates.
Meanwhile, a single, energetic, childless guy started training in our department who was extremely witty and funny. I was shadowing this guy to make sure he was performing the psychological assessments correct. The patient we were evaluating lived in Reseda, Illinois. The guy says to me:
“I never heard of Reseda Illinois. I thought it was in LA. I only know that because of Karate Kid. “Oh you have a date? With whoommm? Not that boy from Reseda.”
My eyes widened and without thinking I replied, “Yeah Dad, he’s from Reseda.” Then I nervously laughed, blushed, & started to sweat.
“Yea whoop dee do. You want me to do cartwheels or something?”
Suddenly, my KK repressed self was unleashed. I could not stop. I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed like this or felt so alive. We continued this banter the rest of the evening; driving my other co-workers nuts. Walking to my car that night, physically exhausted, but mentally, I am was in the best mood. I felt like “me” again.
At the time, I thought he put me in the best mood, but in reality, he just made me feel comfortable to be myself without pretending.
Sometimes joking isn’t about making fun of someone, it’s about making fun of a situation to disconnect ourselves from whatever uncomfortable emotion it creates in us.
Brené Brown
Braving the Wilderness
This guy had the ability to connect with anyone, he had everyone laughing. However, I started getting jealous, wanting his attention. (Don’t judge me, when you’re dying of thirst in the desert, you don’t care who gives you the water.)
However, since I had not felt this type of connection in so long, I continued to make awkward attempts to keep it alive. Thankfully I got the hint eventually and knocked it off.
In hindsight, I did not recognize how disconnected I was from myself, my values and my pain. This having-babies-rite-of passage is a huge adjustment. The more I tried to “pretend” I had it all together to avoid feeling the shame; the more I kept myself in this vicious cycle. Kinda like Daniel LaRusso, who likes to blame the school, his bike, his mom, and moving to LA on his current situation.
It’s not about the bike asswipe
Most recently, this movie came up again last year when my son went on his first date. At the time, I didn’t realize it was a first date because my son kept saying they were “just friends”. When I picked her up, I witnessed how the two of them were interacting… Unfortunately, this revelation unfolded in slow motion in my brain; …omg my son is…a GUY.
Flashbacks of my son and I holding hands, snuggling on the couch began to flash before my eyes. My little boy is gone. In the middle of this bittersweet epiphany, the girl’s dad came to the car door to meet me. I behaved like a complete fool, a total awkward nerd. I turned into Lucille LaRusso and I had no control.
Lucille was a damn good mom.
Anyways, I have accepted my siblings and myself are weirdos. I love this about us.
In our defense, we have a good reason. Our memorization of KK wasn’t a typical situation. The Karate Kid was part of our daily routine.
You see, our brother, was non-verbal and wheelchair bound. After he got home from school, there was not much he could do but watch or listen to TV. So this movie was playing continuously in the background. My youngest sister would sit in her playpen eating melba toast and my brother would lay on floor and they would watch this movie (and The Muppets) together almost everyday. It was so cute that we would sit with both of them and watch it, again.
Despite our age difference, this movie connected all of us.
My Mom & Johnny
In spite of my brother’s limitations, his stellar personality and sense of humor shined through. Our brother, Johnny, would have this smirk on his face while watching KK.
Over time, we noticed a pattern in what Johnny found the funniest. He laughed the hardest when people were loud, yelling, angry or sniffling/crying. When I say laugh, I mean he displayed that shaking-silent-laughing-so-hard giggle.
One time I was crying about some nonsense, sniffling. My brother erupted with the laughing. I wanted to tell him to shut up, which is funny in itself. I stopped crying and started laughing too. This was the first time I recognized the irony of his reactions. There seemed to be a deeper, non-verbal message he was trying to communicate.
“I’m laying here on the floor, I can’t walk, talk or feed myself. What the hell are you crying for? Get some real problems”. -Johnny Durnell
Johnny passed away from respiratory failure on July 21, 1999 at the age of twenty.
I suppose repressing The Karate Kid is also like repressing the grief and all the uncomfortable emotions that go along with grief. Guilt, anger, despair, resentment, etc. feelings I don’t want to feel.
Trust your gut Johnny, ignoring those feelings. will only hurt you in the end
What these three examples have taught me is that the story I told myself kept me stuck. How repressing these emotions can result in HUGE mistakes if caught in an irrational, raw, vulnerable place.
The most difficult part of our stories is often what we bring to them—what we make up about who we are and how we are perceived by others. Yes, maybe we failed or screwed up, but what makes that story so painful is what we tell ourselves about our own self-worth and value.
Brene Brown
Thinking or talking about The Karate Kid makes me think of my brother, my childhood, and what this movie triggers inside me. It brings me joy, but it makes me feel pain in my heart. This movie unleashes a floodgate of all emotions.
If I want to feel, I have to feel it all. You can’t “show up” and “hide” at the same time.
Alcohol is a slippery slope, especially with trying hard to numb & repress grief. It is a band-aid that works at first, then it just makes it worse. Sleep deprivation, hormones, poor self-worth, disconnection contribute to an irrational & vulnerable state of mind. My coworker caught me at a weak moment emotionally and unknowingly made me feel safe by bringing up this movie. The connection felt euphoric because I blocked my story for so long.
If you won’t allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, shame, grief and pain; you will also deny yourself the feelings of love, joy, growth and happiness.
Owning our stories means acknowledging our feelings and wrestling with the hard emotions—our fear, anger, aggression, shame, and blame. This isn’t easy, but the alternative—denying our stories and disengaging from emotion—means choosing to live our entire lives in the dark. It means no accountability, no learning, no growth.
I found myself bending over, while someone dragged their fingers down my spine. I slowly walked back to the class wearing my plaid skirt, round collar blouse and unfortunate weskit (vest) and forgot about it.
I didn’t think about this random, bending-over screening again until I read the book Deenie by Judy Blume.
I was so confused by Deenie’s choice to hack off her hair because she was so angry about having to wear the brace.
I remember thinking “What’s the big deal about the brace? She only has to wear it for a few years. It’s not her fault. “
Then I saw Sixteen Candles…
I laughed just like everyone else did at “Geek Girl #1” played brilliantly by Joan Cusack. GG1 is a more memorable character, yet she doesn’t even have a name.
At least THE GEEK, the OG of geeks, receives an additional title aka Farmer Ted.
I always found the parts with GG1 hilarious, until July of 2020, when I observed my daughters spine X-Ray.
Reels of Geek Girl #1 played repeatedly in my head.
To make matters worse, the doctor (recommended by the pediatrician) never came in to speak with us. Instead I had find out from this nervous, pipsqueak physicians assistant. His beady, little eyes were peering over his mask. All I heard was custom brace, follow up every six months.
The nurse, not the doctor, calls to advise me “The doctor said that your daughter has to wear the brace 23 hours a day.”
Me: So you want ME to get my 12 year old preteen daughter who cannot tolerate a TAGtouching her body to wear a brace for twenty-three hours a day?!
Nurse: Yes. Okay then. Good luck. Call with questions…Buh bye now.
Now all of your inner-parental-bullshit-meters, may be saying, “get a new doctor”. It was clear she had to wear a brace, I already got the order. Yada yada yada…I had bigger issues at hand.
I had one kid starting high school, one starting 8th grade and the giant task of getting my daughter to wear the brace…
Let the battles begin.
Since she was supposed to wear the brace 23 hours a day, we were pretty much fighting all day long. She adamantly refused to wear it during school. Her argument: she already has braces to maintain, she has to wear a mask all day at school & she would have to remove the back brace to go to the bathroom and have someone help her put it back on. This is all during the peak of covid. I surrendered on that one.
Finally we were able to get her to wear it while sleeping.
She was miserable and angry. We attempted to have her go to counseling to process her emotions about scoliosis, she refused to talk. We attempted to have her go to physical therapy, called the Schroth Method for Scoliosis. When she had an appointment in the evening, she was a beast the entire day.
Her amount of tenacity was baffling.
My daughter was told at PT that “even if you wear the brace 23 hours a day, we cannot promise that you won’t have to have surgery.” After this, my daughter begged to have the surgery every minute of every day that she was awake. I would leave the house as much as possible, but not many places to go during quarantine.
July of 2020-July of 2022 the brace war continued. She grew five inches and her hip and shoulder shift was becoming visible, so we had to get a new brace. I finally met the doctor. He saunters in the office with his lab coat and I’m not kidding, wearing khakis with hardcore, Roadhouse cowboy boots.
At this moment, I was glad for the mask that hid my disgust at his arrogance. Cowboy boots in Chicago seemed so unprofessional and downright odd. He then tells us in a condescending manner that “since she only wore the brace while sleeping, she can throw the brace away because she needs surgery.” This was the final straw.
I was was ready for the surgery but no way in hell was I gonna let this drugstore cowboy touch my daughter. I delegated the “battle of the brace” to Dad to find a new doctor.
My daughter loves to tell tales of her father during this time… When her Dad “went full on Karen.”
Introducing the male version of Karen:
Maciej (pronounced Ma-Chea)
Well… after “shooting many messengers” debating with many doctors & pulling my daughter out of school countless days for appointments; Dad found a winner.
When it comes to your kids spine… “Going Maciej” is the only way to go, he got it done effectively & efficiently. No mercy.
Our daughter had the surgery May 30th, 2023 at Ann & Robert H. Lurie Children’s Hospital of Chicago. It was a success!
Overall, her new doctor, Dr. John Grayhack, was extremely smart, confident, sweet, funny & absolutely wonderful throughout this entire process.
Our daughter received exceptional nursing care, PT/OT and pain management/muscle relaxers.
She discharged on June 2nd. She had a rough three weeks at home with pain, not wanting to eat, medication withdrawal and exhaustion. She was instructed to walk twice a day and her body would adjust its own alignment. She was wiped after walks.
I told her pediatrician about the big dumb bohunk she referred me to and she deleted him from her system. She now refers to our doctor.
Follow up on July 10th with full release to normal activities. Just in time for her 16th birthday in August.
Sorry Jake Ryan, it is more important for her to love who she sees in the mirror.
P.S. I know some cool, fun, laid back Karen’s. Unfortunately your name is just an adjective for effect. Nothing personal.
I’ve been at a crossroads for some time, stuck in a moral dilemma.
I keep waiting for my sense of humor to arrive to discuss this topic in a jovial manner. However, some things just aren’t funny.
The Perk: My counselor really helped me when I was in high school, so I wanted to become a counselor when “I grew up” to help others. I also wanted to be a part in ending the stigma about mental health and substance abuse.
Yet, I’ve been involved in a personal mental health situation and found myself contributing to the stigma by wanting to “keep it quiet” and “not wanting anyone to know.”
When I caught myself saying “don’t tell anyone.” I realized the truth.
The real truth is…I have been afraid.
Afraid of being judged.
Because let’s face it, we all judge. We all have our own opinions, our assumptions. Our brain defaults to judgement even if it is not our intention. It is a conscious effort to be mindful of this all the time.
After all, “Other people’s opinion of YOU is none of your business.” (Salt-N-Pepa got it swinging again…)
I have accepted this as human nature and decided to stop being afraid of IT.
“IT” meaning the harsh reality, the fear of the judgement, the blame, the assumptions of other parents, adults & maybe even teens. That “we must have done something to mess our kid up.”
Now I am being 100% sincere, I am NOT looking for reassurance or for anyone to say that I didn’t screw up as a parent. I know I am a good mom. I know we are good parents. We did the best we could with what we had at the time. We all know there is no parent handbook for every situation. No matter how many books you read, you are never 100% prepared.
Why does Ruthie look like 39 year old Mrs.Roper instead of a high school student?
The Perk: Raising awareness to help other parents. This is a reminder that this could happen to anyone. My hope is that if anyone else is going through something similar, then perhaps this story would bring them comfort or direction.
When I caught myself saying “shh, don’t tell anyone” I realized, being quiet about this situation is a betrayal to myself.
It is also a betrayal to all those patients/clients I promised that they had nothing to be ashamed of. In order to break the mental health stigma, I have to overcome my own bias, my own self-stigma.
Despite my profession, addressing my own parental believe that this condition is a sign of personal weakness or that it should be able to be controlled without help. I had to let go of “that someone/something is to blame” or “it’s our fault.”
I realized that regardless of what the cause is, it happened.
So I’m just going to rip this off like a band-aid and blurt out my story.
We choose to admit our 17-year-old son to an outpatient partial hospitalization mental health and substance abuse program (8am-2pm) in the fall of 2022 for three weeks.
We didn’t wait for him to get “caught” by the school. We didn’t wait for him to be mandated to have an evaluation. We knew something was wrong.
In the spring of 2023, I had a call 911 on my son for suicidal ideation. An ambulance & paramedics came to our house. (My retired neighbors were so confused.:)
The Perk: I knew what to do, kept my cool throughout the crisis, and understood the process. Even if my son was bluffing, I wasn’t playin.
Later, we admitted our son to a locked, inpatient psychiatric unit for a depressive episode and marijuana-induced psychosis for 10 days. He then did the outpatient program 8am-2pm for another three weeks.
He hated us, despised us for atleast five days.
The ironic dilemma, I am a mental health counselor who has had to assist in admitting individuals who suffer from mental health problems to an inpatient psychiatric unit or an outpatient program.
On a personal level, I’m struggling with this. As a parent, I am in shock. I am confused. I thought if I did everything “right” as a parent, my kids would be okay. Secondly, I never thought marijuana was “that big of a deal” until I witnessed what happened. These concentrated vape pens are no joke and can be purchased easily at gas stations & vape shops without being carded. Good times.
I tell patients all the time that “Everything is going to be okay. Your health is the most important and if this was a medical problem, no one would be embarrassed; so you shouldn’t be. You should be proud of your courage that you got help.”
Yet there I was, feeling ashamed.
As I smashed onto a four-foot long cot in the ER waiting room, I remembered many of those parents I had to talk to, while they were attempting to sleep uncomfortably in ER chairs.
I found comfort in remembering the empathy I provided them for the pain I imagined them experiencing.
The Perk: Growth. Nothing matches the pain of being the one going through the actual hardship. No one could understand fully what it is like being on the other side of the situation, as the terrified parent, until you are in it.
I was reminded, you truly never know what a person is going through until you go through it yourself. You can imagine, but you do not know their story. It is so easy to pass judgement and assume.
However, we are all able to CHOOSE to be mindful and be aware of our own “human stuff”.
The Perk: I learned how to re-frame my thoughts. We do have control over our own thoughts and possess the ability to CHOOSE empathy and compassion. We can CHOOSE not to judge.
Our son is alive and well. He is not ashamed and is glad we got him help now. He is a lot more insightful, but still an impulsive teenager thou. 😉 We are taking things day by day, mostly great days.
The Perk: Even on the “bad” days, there are still good moments in every day.
P.S. Go ahead and judge away, I’m cool with it. I get it. You won’t fully understand unless it happens to you. I hope you never experience it. Also, the more you judge, gossip, assume & blame, you will continue to be a part of the mental health stigma.
Push play 😊
•I did not cause it•I cannot control it•I cannot cure it•
Felt compelled to share this informative article as a mom and also a mental health therapist. As a therapist, it’s easy to see other people’s issues. As a mom, things become cloudy. I can understand how any parent can become confused or unsure what to do. Nothing is black and white with kids and teens. Everything becomes gray: Is it a phase? Is it hormones?
As a parent, you don’t want to over-react or under-react. It’s tough to know the answer. Sometimes reading something in black and white can be helpful, like this article below.
I have been feeling very uninspired lately. I have not felt like writing or speaking my truth because it seems like there is no point. Feeling disheartened, discouraged, disappointed, and unpatriotic is a terrible mindset to be stuck in.
Thankfully this changed on Thursday, August 11th, 2022, when I accompanied my sister to her friend’s book signing.
It was a privilege and honor meeting a true HERO, Major Tom Schueman. . And Added bonus, he is from the Southside of Chicago!
Major Tom Schueman & my baby sista AllisonSee pic 👆🏻Tom is writing on his hand 😉 …just a quick quote by William Faulkner 🤯😂- you can take a guy out the south side but ya can’t take the south-side outta the guy;)
Major Tom Schueman, A Marist High School, Loyola and Georgetown graduate raised by a single “hippie, cop mom” has authored his first book with Zak, an Interpreter from Afghanistan.
This one- hour interview, had me choked up-then-laughing numerous times about Tom’s experience growing up and what he went through serving our country.
Laughing when Major Tom describes his Grandma having a crush on Tom Cruise and A Few Good Men was on all the time at his house growing up.
Major Tom describes the values his mother instilled in him, the childhood friends he made, and how both combined helped build the foundation of the amazing man he has become today.
Tom’s core values of resilience, adversity, integrity, persistence, and always being faithful led Major Tom, to not giving up in any aspect of his life.
These core values provided him with the stamina to persevere in his deployment in Afghanistan, watching his military brothers become wounded or even killed and in helping his friend Zak and his family escape from the Taliban to the United States.
Zak wanted to improve the quality of life in Afghanistan and chose to take a life-threatening job as an interpreter to the United States military.
Zak’s expertise and cultural knowledge saved lives of countless lives of US soldiers.
Zak is not a trained UNITED STATES soldier, yet he faced the same challenges as US troops and over time, he became one of them and served our country without even being a United States Citizen.
Tom so eloquently describes how some individuals can have American values and “BE American” even if they are not born here.
This story of adversity, loyalty, friendship and always being faithful provides readers with the empowering journey of how Major Tom assisted in getting Zak and his family to the United States after after two previously failed attempts.
If you have been feeling uninspired, discouraged, disheartened, disappointed and unpatriotic, read this book. 🇺🇸 ❤️ 💙 🤍
Picture it: It’s a chilly, dreary Tuesday morning, probably November 2nd, you are in the car, flipping through radio stations. The cusp of the holidays are approaching. You are not feeling anything in particular, perhaps even a little numb or dead inside. Probably chasing a hangover of some kind; from sugar, booze or your drug of choice. You are going through the motions of whatever tasks you have on your pointless agenda.
Suddenly, you hit a pause of silence on the radio; then you hear those glorious drums…the chills involuntarily run up your spine, arm or the back of your neck. A gasp or slight smirk emerges on your previously despondent face. …Next thing ya know, you are belting out “FEED THE WOORRLLLDDD!” And “the only gift they will get this year is LIFE”….
Life?
You freeze with a furrowed brow, with that expression of “what-in-the-hell-did-I just say?” THAT.
This “FFFUUUUCCCCCKKKK”face.
The realization that the lyrics of this Band-aid “jam” are so heartbreaking and sad. That naive, duh moment, “Omg. I’m an asshole. Uh, first world probs…I was just depressed about going to work on a boring Tuesday, feeling blah or overwhelmed about the holidays approaching…jeez get some real problems.”
It’s fascinating and tricky how musicians and songwriters can make a song upbeat & fast so you do not even realize what the song is truly about. A complete mindfuck.
Which brings me to why I am kind of freaking out right now.
The same situation just happened to me with “Under Pressure” by David Bowie & Queen.
I am mind-blown right now struggling to comprehend how I’ve been singing the lyrics to “Under Pressure” for twenty-something years and never realized what I was saying. How the hell does this happen? Example:
🎶”Watching our friends scream LET ME OUT!”🎶 😱
David & Freddie, you deceased & tricky muthafers!
“It’s kind of a funny story” is a novel turned movie featuring “Under Pressure”. I will not spoil this for you with my usual humorous Memes-poking fun at this movie because it’s a hidden gem. It’s one of those movies that you will have to watch yourself. If I tell you anything more about it, besides the trailer below, you MAY NOT have the same experience I did.
Ironically, this movie is some thing that peaked my interest but I had no desire to watch it. I don’t want to watch a movie about depression when I’m feeling “blah”. It turned out to be-exactly what I needed.
This movie reminded me what it was like to be a teenager and how they feel. Adults can feel the same way, yet express it in different ways. Teenagers and even kids these days are more in tune with “life” way more than we ever were. They are exposed to so much more through social media.
It was a reminder why I went into the mental health field in the first place.It was a subtle hint that even though you don’t “feel” like doing something or believe that you have any “talents”, JUST DO IT ANYWAYS
Uncomfortable emotions are where the magic happens.
I’m sure David Bowie & Queen were feeling the same way when they wrote & composed the song “Under pressure”. This masterpiece of a song is what happens when individuals with shared values are real and authentic together and collaborate ideas.
“Queen’s Brian May says it was the group’s bassist John Deacon who first came up with the song’s unforgettable riff, and kept playing it over and over. The problem, Taylor said, is that everyone got hungry and went for pizza, and by the time they got back to the song Deacon had forgotten what he’d come up with.”
The channeling of uncomfortable, but not necessarily negative, emotions such as sadness, anger, frustration, stress, pain, grief, despondency, and rage is an art in itself.
This process is a way of coping, using your gift, being authentic, being real, and living. You may possess something that transforms these emotions into some thing-spectacular, creative, and possibly beautiful.
However, even if what you enjoy doing doesn’t turn a profit or if no one likes it, do it anyway.
Doing YOU is doing something YOU enjoy. THE point is: instead of numbing these feelings out, or ignoring them, you stay with them, feel them and eventually “do” some thing therapeutic with these emotions.
What ideas come to mind?
How do you know what your gift is?
Paying attention to the things you enjoy doing and time flies by, you get lost in it. It could be something you dream about like playing the guitar, playing the drums, playing an instrument, acting, improving, charading, game-playing, doing stand-up, writing, drawing, painting, sculpting, singing,gardening, planting, weeding, cultivating, innovating, editing, photographing, cutting the grass, doing hair, coloring, fixing a car, fixing a machine, using watercolors, composing, wood-shopping, poem-writing, pole-vaulting, inspiring, speaking, glassblowing, baking, frosting, cooking, exploring, running, crafting, reading, climbing, hiking, exploring, directing, cleaning, organizing, running, walking, riding, exercising, decorating, wrapping presents, folding clothes, etc. are all ways of processing emotions.
All of these are an examples of occupational therapy.
Which you may or may not be aware of, that is what they were doing on the psychiatric floor in the movie during arts & crafts and musical expression. I can’t wait for you to see these parts of the movie!
What I love about counseling, being a counselor and the mental health field is the process of self-discovery and personal development; which is displayed in this movie. I am drawn to the process that the protagonist, “Cool Craig” experiences during his psychiatric admission. Once he stops resisting and attempting to control the situation, he lets go and trusts the process.
Just like this blog that may or may not have more than six readers 😜, it is something I do to process emotions and it gets my mind off the “terror of knowing what this world is about.”🎵
This book was a tough read… . Took me a long time to get through it… . When I say this, it is because unlike Malcolm Gladwell’s @malcolmgladwell other books, this one touched on extremely emotional topics. . I didn’t get it at first, as usual (I’m slow) or perhaps it’s the haze of cognitive dissonance…
I didn’t like it at first is because it made me feel things I didn’t want to feel. … .
It made me think about topics I avoid…
… It made me uncomfortable. … It made me nauseous…at times. … Then something clicked and I got it. … @malcolmgladwell pulls at your heartstrings with true stories, cases, that are controversial and breaks them down… … He discusses what WE can do to communicate better with people we do not know. … He reveals how some people “may not act the way WE think they should act”.
I will lightly touch on some of the topics in this book that I feel compelled to weigh in on so if you want to KNOW NOTHING about the book and read the book yourself: please stop reading here.
****Spoiler alert**** … An intriguing example is when Gladwell explains the Amanda Knox case and what could have been done differently. … Malcolm clarifies that the whole ordeal Amanda was sucked into was because the Italian police didn’t think she “acted” the way she should be acting when her roommate was murdered. … Amanda didn’t “show emotion” or “communicate how she should.” … It’s seems like it should be such a clear concept, except we all know it is not. We all judge people on their behavior, their words, their actions. We judge because someone is not “behaving” the way we would. … On the opposite spectrum of innocence, Gladwell breaks down the Penn State/Sandusky scandal. (This is where I struggled the most with getting through this book.) Sandusky went years untouched and undetected because “he doesn’t act like a child molester” or “his victims don’t act like they were abused”. Sandusky was adored by all. Sandusky was a god on that campus.
Gladwell brings up many other controversial and historical topics such as Hitler, Sylvia Plath, and Gingis Khan.
Therefore, Gladwell solidifies his point that: The human race overall, sucks at talking with strangers.
Transparency is the idea that people’s behavior and demeanor—the way they represent themselves on the outside—provides an authentic and reliable window into the way they feel on the inside.
But what does mean? What does “responsibly” mean? Is it like that vague moderation bullshit?
Gladwell painfully examines binge drinking and college sexual assaults. He breaks down the culture of socially-acceptable-yet-dangerous-binge-drinking and how this scientifically affects the human brain. … Gladwell goes into detail about black outs; the lack of communication between people while intoxicated and how so many assumptions are made. He brings to light how serious incidents are minimized and the misconception of society’s view of alcohol abuse.
… Gladwell deliberates how men are called weak and berated if they don’t keep drinking, slam shots or chug beer bongs. He states how women are glorified if they can “drink a guy under the table” and how women are judged by “how cool they are” based on how much alcohol she can consume.
… Then he dissertates the differences between men and women’s genetic make-up, how they metabolize alcohol differently and what happens biologically to the body and mind.
EYE OPENING.
I listened to this chapter with with different ears. As a parent, you have no choice but to imagine your kids in one of these situations.
I never considered teaching my daughter “how” to drink (not sure I am qualified either 😜maybe I need another adult to do that for me;).
I never thought of teaching my son exactly how to “be respectful of women”, knowing how to ask for permission and when no means no.
However, if you are on the fence, here’s some tasty vodka to assist you loosen up to say YES! (Mixed messages)🤨
I just assumed that my kids would make good decisions based on how we raised them. However, Gladwell discusses how alcohol, the impact of society & social media erases all of that.
Example: “Don’t do what I do. Do what I tell ya.” Didn’t even fly with me in the 70’s/80’s.
The impact alcohol has on sexual assault:
This part in the audiobook was exceptionally painful; listening to a real court case of a sexual assault between two freshman at a college campus. Listening to testimony of a 19 year old MALE who “assumed” the girl he making out with was “okay with everything” because “she didn’t say anything.”
In reality, she was in a black out; unconscious.
In the testimony, the 19 year old guy speculates what happens; then when asked directly, he admits he truly doesn’t remember the situation either.
Yet here he is, in court after making some bad decisions he doesn’t remember while intoxicated as a freshman in college: now facing a jail sentence, expulsion, felony charges and a 15-year listing on the sex offender registry.
I couldn’t help but have empathy for the female but also for the guy; he was just a kid who is 5 years older than my own son. He was clueless, naive, and he ASS-umed.
I could actually see myself and our friends laughing about a situation like this – (hooking up with someone in a black out-where neither party remember or know each other’s names) in college or even last year. However, when it is your child, it is a whole different deal.
…This chapter lead to one of many future discussions with my kids about alcohol use and how we all, as parents, have to educate our kids on safe drinking. I can say I “don’t want my kids using alcohol” however I know they will. So atleast as parents, we need to specifically educate them exactly how to “drink responsibly.” Brevity is key.
“Drink responsibly” is the message that is repeated, but what does that mean? I had to figure that out for myself and it took 30 years! I still drink too fast.
Therefore, if we know this, we need to offer our kids some guidance on HOW to drink responsibly.
However there are so many societal mixed messages. The ambivalence is similar to Frank the tanks “I have a lot to do tomorrow, but it tastes so good as it touches your lips.”
D.A.R.E. Is a great idea but it is not realistic.
D.A.R.E. Motto =just say NO. Reality: what happens when you tell most humans NO?
I’ve had kids tells me that D.A.R.E just made them more curious.
Most drugs are illegal so maybe just say NO works sometimes, perhaps for those who are rule followers.
Society Mixed messages: Alcohol is legal so how can we teach them the same concept? How about teach them “I’ll have, SOME, but I won’t wreck myself”. I will learn how much and what “moderation” means. Explain to them what does drink responsibly mean.
Like one alcoholic drink an hour?
Drink water in between alcoholic beverages?
In educating kids and teens, you cannot always say a specific number of drinks or beers because everyone metabolizes alcohol differently. Teaching them to pay attention to how they feel.
We also have to educate them on the social impact their “being responsible” might result in.
Transparent Translation: their friends and peers might give them a lot of shit for turning down shots or not slamming beer after beer.
We have to educate them that how much they can drink has nothing to do with “coolness.”
Slamming drinks every 10 minutes, Obviating yourself, Doing super shit and being sloppy isn’t cool either
Peer pressure is real, even after you have kids and are an “adult.”😂
Example: I was at a party last year and another parent offered me a drink. I turned it down because it was already 1am and I had to get up for my kids games at 9am. He smirked and replied “You used to be fun.”
My inner—insecure-socially-awkward-teenager-self-emerged and immediately wanted to grab a beer bong like Frank the tank and “show him!”
Adult peer pressure is real.😂
As a 40-something adult, I STILL had to remind myself he is kidding, he really doesn’t care if I drink or not and he honestly won’t even remember saying that to me the next day.
Quillan Kelly-Dunn 