#queer – Quillan Kelly-Dunn

“You’ve got your mother in a whirl… ’cause she’s not sure if you’re a boy or a girl…”

Gen-X grew up in the 80’s with Boy George, David Bowie, Robert Smith of The Cure & Johnny Depp. We accepted and understood these “guys” were musicians and actors who wore earrings, rings, nail polish, bright colors, and make-up.

Now as a Gen-X mom of a Gen-Z person, I do not understand why my 20-year-old son would want to do this. He is not an actor or musician. He doesn’t understand why “only actors and musicians can do it” and he states “I’m an artist and I don’t need to be famous to do it. I’m also pansexual so I don’t care about gender constructs.”

I watched Schitt’s Creek and witnessed David Rose wearing a skirt and flamboyant top, hook up with a woman Stevie and later fall in love with a man, Patrick…I loved every minute of it. David stated he is pansexual, that he is attracted to the person not the gender. OK that makes sense. Got it.

Obviously, there’s a real, underlying meaning tied into David Rose, a.k.a. Dan Levy’s message in writing Schitts Creek.

I understood this message from Dan Levy’s perspective. I could not understand it from my son’s perspective.

Dan Levy’s mom:

My son was never like this. He didn’t “twirl.”

What’s confusing to me is my son used to play in the mud, paint his ass, stamp it on a piece of paper and laugh. He thought farts were funny and still does. When the door fell off his cozy coupe, he said, “I’m gonna get my tools.” He loves bugs, planets, rocks and anything high risk. He broke his arm standing on a sand & water table at age 4.

He had a perpetual bruise or cut on his face his entire life. In 8th grade, I caught him standing over a babbling brook on the “outside of a bridge”. At 18, He impulsively jumped off a cliff into a shallow pond and was lucky he didn’t break both his legs. I assumed this behavior was because “he is a biological boy.”

Gee I wonder where this gender trait assignment starts

Biology and assigned gender at that time, helped me understand. It got me through his childhood. Especially when I was seven months pregnant and my son was hospitalized for a subdermal hematoma at age two. (He was sitting at the table in his chair-attached booster with a tray, kicked the table and fell backwards.)

He was admitted to the ICU overnight and then a standard hospital room. I could not keep him in the room. He wanted to constantly walk the hospital halls and explore. If we didn’t let him roam free, he would fight and scream. He NEVER surrendered.

While he was jumping on the couch in the hospital room, the neurosurgeon walked in & scolded me. It was terrifying as a mom because I could not let him be himself and keep him safe.

I could get him to sit still with a 20-minute show. First it was Baby Einstein. Then I could get him to watch two episodes of The Backyardigans.

His favorite episodes of The Backyardigans involved Aliens, Knights, & Pirates…

Then movies gave us more blocks of “chill time”, so we would watch Pirates of the Caribbean, Chronicles of Narnia and E.T. He got fired up, he cried at the end of E.T, he kept the imaginative situations going all day.

All the boys and girls on the block joined in. Oddly, he argued more with other boys. He would say to me frequently “girls are just better.”

This dressing up as characters continued with all the superheroes and then pop culture icons. He loved to dress up and pretend to be anyone who inspired him.

He dressed up as male shaggy one year and female shaggy the next.

I volunteered as “lunch mom” and observed my son talking with four girls at recess about The Diary of a Wimpy kid while the other boys in the class played war and tackled each other. My son would have deep, meaningful conversations with girls instead of wrestling with the boys.

In high school, Classmates began calling him “gay” and “faggot”.

I would ask “Are you gay?” and he replied, “NO!”

I’d say “then why are you upset?”

He replied, “I don’t know.”… or know yet.

I would say “well, you are funny, handsome, sensitive, quirky and a good dresser so I could see where they are coming from.” He would smile, but had tears in his eyes.

A few months later, he stated to us that he began struggling with his sexuality. He “came out as Bi-sexual.” Nbd. I get it.

Yet, he continued to date other females over the next five years. I found this confusing.

Away at college, he gravitated toward “theys” but would get into arguments if he got their “pronouns wrong.” People would say he is a “man-splainer” but he thinks of himself as feminine.

The irony is what he “man-splained” to his four male college roommates; was a lecture about women. He talked to them about having boundaries, respecting women and advised them to “ask for permission” instead of groping women. He explained “consent” regardless of gender. They all stopped speaking to him the rest of the semester.

I found myself saying “Everyone makes mistakes. Can’t you just let this go to keep these friends and get along with your roomates?”

He replied “I don’t care, I don’t want to be friends someone who treats people this way.”

In college, he began dating a female, who was previously in a lesbian relationship. She claimed she “hated all men” except him. After eight months of him spending a ridiculous amount of money on her and doing all the “male” tasks she was unable to do that required size and strength; like helping her move, lifting things, putting items together; she dumped him. She decided she “hates all men, including him.” Misogyny works both ways.

As a mom, listening to my son, I say “it sounds like she was using you and I’m annoyed at how much money you spent on her.”

My son replies, “Mom, please don’t talk about her like that.”

What?

Kinda humiliating when your kids respond more mature than you in a situation.

In summary, he can physically do male things, yet he listens & empathizes like a woman. He respects and admires women. He is affectionate and chivalrous. He’s a good listener. He won’t even speak badly about someone who broke his heart.

Where does he belong?

He says he is gay and pansexual. He “expresses himself” as female. He states he is Queer and “gender fluid.” He can also lift shit and he is strong.

My son argues that gender is a social construct. Back in the day, men used to wear heels, wigs, make-up and tights. All I know is, people can be especially cruel online, I didn’t want my son to get made fun of, but I want him to be himself. Flashback to those same feelings I had when he was two...I was terrified I could not let him be himself and keep him safe.

My confusion about biology, gender expression, sexuality, and my son wearing make-up/nailpolish continued, until Shane Hollander and Ilya Rosavov rocked my world.

***If you have not watched the series, very minor spoiler alerts below!***

Shane & Ilya are biological men who appear to be “total dudes”that call each other by their last names, give each other shit and tell each other to fuck off.

Internally, they struggle with how society would perceive their sexuality and how their sexuality would impact their professional hockey career.

The relationship starts out sexual with no strings attached. Over the years, Shane and Ilya discover this relationship is more than lust & sex, when intimacy becomes apparent. There is anticipation, bantering and yearning. They are affectionate and sweet to each other. They are good friends to each other.

Suddenly I could understand how Shane and Ilya are biologically male, both express male gender, Ilya is Bi-sexual, Shane is gay. However, their relationship shows that males are CAPABLE of showing intimacy & affection in a way women desire. Their sexuality is separate than gender and biology. Duh, how does this get so convoluted?

I can make sense of TV shows, plays, books, & movies, but I cannot understand what is right in front of me, in real life. Perhaps whatever is closest to us, causes the biggest blind spot.

Finally, I could “see” what my son was trying to convey. My son is biologically male, expresses himself as female gender, and his sexuality is pansexual. Three separate entities.

I am all about my daughter “being anything she wants” and she can be powerful, she can be a superhero, she can play in the mud, she can be funny and smart. She can swear like a sailor and think farts are funny. She can be a “tomboy”, a construction management major, a bad ass & an athlete. However, I can’t see my own restrictions with gender and its societal assigned accessories are reversed with my son.

Then, I remembered all the days my son dressed up as all the characters he loved. How he “expressed” himself. Therefore, he continues to do so. Nailpolish isn’t just for girls. Pink is not “only for girls”, blue is not just for boys, being a hair stylist, a nurse or a therapist is not just for women, being a cop is not just for men, being a make up artist and wearing bright colors is not just for women, being president is not just for men …

Guys can be beautiful, guys can be “pretty.”

Fast forward to 2026, my son still thinks “girls are just better.” So he is dressing up as a female just like how he did as a Knight or Captain America…in the big picture, WHO can argue with that?