narcissism – Quillan Kelly-Dunn

#Beyourself, #doitanyway, Apollo Creed, relationships, Rocky Balboa, sunshine & rainbows

Sunshine & Rainbows

February 15, 2024April 23, 2024 quillankellydunn

I don’t know about anybody else, but I am definitely not myself from Martin Luther King day until about Presidents’ Day. Four long, full weeks, with no days off.

During this time, I’m pounding vitamin D supplements like nobody’s business. It takes effort to feel motivated. A tremendous amount of energy & preparation is required to go for a walk outside.

Work, grocery shopping, exercising, cooking dinner, raising-teens, dishes, laundry, etc. the day-to-day feels so much heavier.

Now, this is the time where it’s a good idea to schedule some self-care & make plans with friends and family. Having something to look forward to makes a difference. Seeing the people you love in person, has an impact. Social connection has the power to help get you out of this funk.

I know this. Yet, I’m too tired to reach out. I’d rather just sit on the couch and wallow in this.

Yesterday, a Wednesday & Valentine’s Day, was an exceptionally tough day. It is my husband’s birthday so I wanted to cook a special dinner. I always forget to take the day off, thinking I can handle working, then rushing around cooking an elaborate spread.

Yes, I was going to make my kids assist, but sometimes delegating is even more exhausting. I do not always have the patience. Plus they may screw it up. 😂

Clearly, I was in my head and taking everything way too seriously.

I received a random text from a friend, T, that I haven’t talked to in a while, like years.

I’ve been meaning to call her especially after finding out too late, that her mother had passed.

I have had a post-it on my wall to send her a card for almost three weeks. It’s like, “Why don’t I just execute and do it? Why do I keep waiting?”

I was waiting for a “good time” to call her and finding the “perfect card to send her .”

So instead of texting her, I just called her right then, even though I was in middle of a car maintenance appointment.

There is no perfect time.

The call was interrupted, chaotic and silly but in that 35 minutes, it was real. Also, we were both laughing hysterically.

We hang up and go about our day, working & juggling motherhood. I went for a walk on my lunch since the sun was out. I asked my retired friend to join me, which also helped me get out of my head.

Early evening, after we both got through our day, T texted me, thanking me for the call.

She then goes on to tell me some amazing stories about her mom.

Why do we find out how spectacular someone is, after they’re already gone?

Such as, her mother had TWELVE children.

My friend T texts about her mom:

She’d tell my husband “mi hija es chingona. Sabes porque? Porque es mi hija.”

Translation: “My daughter is a bad ass. You know why? Because she’s my daughter. “

How cool is this? She sure sounds like a fun & fiesty lady.

T texts:

“Yep. I got all my seven sisters matching t shirts that say “chingona como mi madre”

T goes on to say:

“She loved the Rocky movies because my brother that passed, idolized the character. I went to Philly for work and took her with me to walk the steps and see the statue of Rocky.”

“I played the Rocky theme song on my phone while she walked up the steps.“

This is on my bucket list, so I’m intrigued. T sends me these fantastic pictures.

I am tearing up & smiling. I have the chills. Now…I’m obsessed with her mom. I am grieving this woman that I, unfortunately, never had the opportunity to meet.

Good reminder: The grief is always there. The griever will want to talk about the experiences they shared & the great things their loved one brought to this world. If they don’t, let it be their choice.

Don’t ever feel like “I didn’t want to bring it up.” It’s not like the person forgot about the loss. That pain is always lingering in the shadows.

I assume and doubt anyone is like “Oh, I forgot my mom died, thank you for the reminder & ruining my day.”

We can’t be afraid or avoid talking about this because it’s part of the beauty of life. The more powerful the love, the more powerful the loss.

To my surprise, by T talking about her loss & grief, she remembered a great accomplishment of her own.

T Texts:

“Omg and when I ran Chicago marathon my niece (my deceased brother’s daughter) made this poster for me.“

These trembling chills emerge down my spine, goosebumps on my arms as I’m reading her text, sitting in my office with these pictures right next to me:

If I never called her, I would’ve never known about this coincidence…this connection. This obsession we had in common.

I was chilly and involuntarily tingling for some reason. I put my cold hands under my thighs. I looked down at my chest and observe what I’m wearing.

I swear to God, this is 100% true

This is one brief moment in an ordinary day. Life again reminding me to:

Make the call. Send the text. Go out when you don’t feel like it. Show up for your friends. It’s not about you.

That imperfect phone call at a horrible time…

Wow.

P.S. My Husband “slyly” suggested we go out to dinner instead. I didn’t shower first and I wore the Rocky sweatshirt. 🤗

I’ve been also grieving Apollo Creed, Carl Weathers, Chubbs like he was my personal friend.

I also knew never this:

https://www.menshealth.com/entertainment/a45810629/sylvester-stallone-reflects-on-relationship-with-late-son-in-sly-documentary/

#doitanyway, #freedom, #greatpretender, #teens, Anxiety, Badassery, coming of age, Find A Way, Health & Wellness, Mental Health, parenting struggles, relationships, Trauma, under pressure

When the Levy Breaks

February 12, 2024February 15, 2024 quillankellydunn

Have you ever had a vivid memory of an experience from decades ago come flooding back to you out of nowhere?

I had this memory tsunami happen to me yesterday.

I have been doing this Meditation challenge since the beginning of 2024. This app was referred to me by my brilliant colleague. (Links below).

Yesterday morning, I completed session four of the “Taming Anxiety” challenge. The topic was about cognitive distortions.

I haven’t thought about my own battle with cognitive distortions since college.

Feeling compelled to share my experience in case anyone is feeling stuck or discouraged. I could’ve used the information below way earlier.

This life-altering moment occurred when I met with the school counselor about my schedule. Apparently, something I said was a red flag to the counselor that I was struggling with anxiety.

Thankfully, she did not use the word “anxiety” at the time. Unlike now, that uncommon, scary word and its symptoms were foreign back in the 90’s.

The counselor handed me a paper describing cognitive distortions (CD). I distinctly remember reading these, with my eyes bulging out of my head. I was in utter shock that this wasn’t a “normal” way to think.

As a student, I was able to start seeing her weekly for free. If it wasn’t free, I would have never gone through with it. I needed to save my money for nickel beer night. (A non-clinical, absurd cognitive distortion. 😏)

Each week, I discussed all of the stupid, irrational, and impulsive behaviors I did while operating in a perpetually, anxious state-of-mind.

It took a tremendous amount of effort to retrain my brain, unlearn old ways and reframe the CD. I truly believed I would NEVER be able to stop them.

I kept showing up even though I dreaded it and was uncomfortable.

By going to counseling & actively participating, I inadvertently leaned toward anxiety and its clutches.

Then an emotion showed up…humiliation aka cringe.

All I can say is thank effing gawd there were no cell phones or social media back then.

I experienced all of these:

After about 20 sessions, the counselor subtly addressed my lifestyle and inquired about how I have been coping with these tricky little fuckers.

The counselor then pointed out that contrary to popular belief, alcohol will only temporarily help. “Alcohol and marijuana are like a band-aid, and they make anxiety worse if using them to “self-medicate”. They may also cause paranoia.”

Every single one of those pesky, mind-fucking, cognitive distortions were on blast all-of-the-time. Ironically, they were present before, but I did not notice because I was detached from myself.

Suddenly, when I got in-tune with my body & mind, I felt paralyzed with anxiety. I froze, couldn’t make decisions, and just stopped everything.

Which led to…

I was terrified that I would have a panic attack in public. Panic attacks are real & scary AF.

I was very confused that I felt worse in therapy. The counselor gently reminded me that “Things get worse before they get better, it is always darkest before the dawn.” I let go & trusted the process.

Once I accepted it…I became consumed with talking about anxiety and explaining myself to everybody.

Side effect of untreated trauma+anxiety=lack of boundaries…

Thankfully, I had a very, wise friend, who could see the big picture. She said something profound to me like this:

Engaging with a friend who “gets you” without judgement, makes a monumental difference.

With time, patience, and lifestyle changes, this way of thinking extinguished itself. Of course this anxiety got “canceled” by utilizing a combination of counseling, mindfulness, physical exercise, limiting caffeine/sugar/alcohol, spending time outside often, taking vitamins, journaling, yoga/pilates, mindfulness, medication and most importantly, in-person human connection.

Looking back, it appeared to be absolutely impossible to overcome.

Now it seems like no big deal. I had to feel it, do the emotional work and allow it to pass.

I am glad that there is less stigma & more awareness about mental health and anxiety, currently.

However, it should not be used as an excuse to give up. No one IS their diagnosis. The more you avoid, numb, or hide from it, the longer it takes. Running from it only prolongs the process. The process can be conquered with the proper guidance, effort, & dedication.

In 1998, there was no other option in my outlook, except to keep trying. It was also way easier to unplug and detach back in the olden days.

How terrifying for gen z, teenagers & children right now? The social pressure, “cancel culture”, picture-perfect-life-posting and the “it’s-too-hard-I-give-up” mindset is disheartening.

Humans have survived thousands of years before iPhones, social media and the internet.

Reminder: Humans are resilient.

The epiphany empowered me today to push my teens to face uncomfortable emotions that sting.

Pain teaches you something.

Nothing ever grows in a comfort zone.

It’s a constant effort to remind myself of what is considered a big deal to my kids.

Social connection is getting worse, not better. Therefore, it is never too early to start healthy coping strategies. I mean, if nine-year-olds are spending $900 at Sephora on anti-aging skin regimens, then it wouldn’t hurt for a child/teen to unplug their mind for 15 minutes a day.

What I really like about this app is it makes the decision for you. It is like a parent that perhaps all adults need sometimes. “This is what is on the agenda today, do it and stfu.” It has a calendar that keeps track of your progress. Lastly, the founder, Dan Harris, describes how he had a panic attack on national television.

Any generation could understand how mortifying that had to be.

He recovered.

He wrote a book and is now helping others.

https://app.tenpercent.com/link/download

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5NgnSCyzVkaVfgDwzFevtf?si=TU-6WTk5Q8yjLBwYHy7GPg

https://markmanson.net/podcast/david-brooks

https://a.co/d/9WpMZ9K

*If numb & detached, you can’t feel love*

Since I published this, I completed this 7 out 10 day challenge. I don’t know why but this little badge made me feel a slight bit of accomplishment.

#brenebrown, #doitanyway, #freedom, #greatpretender, #homeschoolingrealshit, #millenials, #opportunity, #sidehustle, Badassery, brene brown, glennondoyle, Health & Wellness, Lin Manuel Miranda, narcissism, narcisstic personality disorder, parenting struggles, relationships, unlockingus, vulnerability, Women's Fight, Yoga Pants

Sympathy For The Devil

November 23, 2020January 16, 2025 quillankellydunn

I may not KNOW a lot of things but one thing I do believe for sure is that BOB (Esai Morales) from La Bamba is one BADASS mother fucker. He has to be THEE coolest and most captivating actor on the planet.

He should have won an OSCAR for best supporting actor for his performance; (Esai Morales) truly MADE the movie.

He literally SEDUCES the audience.

That being said, what I find most ironic is that no matter what he did or said, I still liked his character. I thought he was hilarious, I still do. What is even more puzzling, is that he is a complete dick.

(Side note: Esai also appeared on Ozark for a season or two- I was immediately entranced. )

As a woman, I completely identify with Rosie. As a mother and wife, I empathize with how she feels; I hate how she is treated by Bob. What was also puzzling is that she ANNOYED me. 🙈

I can actually feel her pain, grief, & confusion. You can see it written on her face. The “wait…wtf-just-happened?” face. The “how-in-the-hell-did-I-end-up-here” face. She displays this facial expression the majority of the movie. We all know that face.

We all know that feeling: When you realize you’ve been had. You got screwed over. The worst part about it, the majority of it was your own doing. You assumed. ASS-U-ME.

I get how she assumed as well. Any woman in a could easily fall into Bob’s trap; especially the married ones. Bob’s seductive allure could have wise woman entranced in his spell: After Bob flirts with you: Huh? What kids? What husband? You don’t have a job you say? Ballsy. Hot…You drink every day? Wild & crazy. You live in your mom’s trailer? Sounds cozy. Humina Humina 😍🥰😛

I am embarrassed to admit this, but I remember thinking: Awwww just leave him alone Rosie.. it’s your own fault you got yo self knocked up…

I STILL liked him after that horrible, disrespectful and honest statement by Bob. Like “Dayyyuuumm.” Why?

I am an educated & wise woman, yet I still like Bob. Wtf!? How come? 1. Clearly excellent acting by Esai Morales 2. Amazing directing

However, I am not satisfied with this. Inquiring minds want to know!!!

I was concerned with my reaction when I watching this movie recently. When the mother, Connie Valenzuela, minimized Bob’s cartoonist abilities and reminded him that he is about to become a father, I thought: Jeez Connie, buzzkill, what did you have to go and do that for!? Why don’t you get out of Richie’s ass and pay attention to poor Bob. He is trying. POOR BOB

Poor Bob: your womanizing, chauvinistic, selfish, entitled, immature, unemployed, alcoholic, manipulative, man-baby-son who just was released from prison.🤔 (Bob sounds like a real catch on paper doesn’t he?🤥😂)

Idle hands are the devil’s workshop; idle lips are his mouthpiece.Proverbs 16

From a biological & genetic standpoint, Bob does what Bob does best. Bob is a an alpha male who is genetically predisposed to flock his sexy shit to attract females. Bob does whatever possible to get laid; ultimately procreating more human beings to populate the earth. (Biology 101: It is vital for males to compete for reproduction and for females to choose between those competing males.

If a member of the opposite sex finds your tail, your song, or your dance moves sexy, you will have a chance to fulfill your primary biological role as a member of your species: to reproduce.
https://biogeoplanet.com/how-do-animals-find-mates-sex-and-sexual-selection/

This is “Bob’s” “primary biological role” aka his job and he rocks it. He got Rosie pregnant so now he needs to “move on” and to do this again.

It’s not his fault…yet. (Please don’t get angry, hear me out;)

From a biological/genetic standpoint, Bob is doing his job. He behaves how all male animals act. Bob is genetically predisposed to be what humans would consider “an asshole”.

The problem is, he also doesn’t know any better. No one has taught him otherwise. No one has had the chance to teach Bob to step above his biological urges.

Please don’t cause him to feel inadequate by making him have to THINK.

Don’t make him feel like a failure by asking him to have COMPASSION or EMPATHY? That is NO FUN.

What would cause a human being to behave this way? Or to treat women this way?

Bob’s True Story & my psychological interpretation😜:

Just like Rosie, Connie also hooked up with a bad boy at a young age and got herself impregnated. The hot, sexy biological father took off.

I know you “love him” Rosie, but unless you want to cook dinner on his motorcycle…

Connie then met someone else (Steve) and Connie married Steve when Bob was two years old. Steve loved Bob and treated him as his own. Steve and Connie then had a child together, Ritchie. Ritchie was a reflection to Connie what she did right=Ritchie=golden boy. However, Bob was a reminder of her bad decisions.

Connie, Steve, Bob & Ritchie were doing well together for a while. Bob assumed Steve was his biological father and Bob loved him.

In an interview, the real Bob Morales states his life took a bad turn when he was 14 and his parents (Connie & Steve) separated.

“I moved in with my mom while Ritchie went with my dad. One day I told my mom that I wanted to live with my dad and and that’s when my aunt told me ‘Why do you want to go with him if he’s not even your real father.’Bob Morales

Despite Steve conveying to Bob that he loved him as his own son, the shock devastated Bob. Also, it was horrible timing for Bob to find this out because soon after this discovery, Bob began high school.

Bob was getting into fights frequently so he stopped attending. Instead he gave money to the homeless nearby who would buy him alcohol.

While his now single-mom was working two jobs, Bob was not going to school and had no structure all day, no guidance, no direction=idle time which is the DEVIL’s playground.

Therefore, Bob ended up going to a detention center from age 12-17! Connie, his mother, signed him over as a ward of the state. He did not see his family that entire time he was locked up.

👆🏻Bob’s inner child translation: Go Fuck yourself Connie. I will never let a woman hurt me again.

The first time Bob saw his mother or Ritchie in years; was the day of Steve’s funeral. Which also means he didn’t get to say goodbye to Steve or to grieve properly.

Bob learned to adapt to his lonely life by becoming the life of the party. He learned how to get what he needed by finding comfort in women and selfishly move on. This probably soothed his resentment toward his mother for while, but then he felt guilty; so he drank the pain away.

Of course he was jealous of Ritchie. Ritchie got his Dad and his Mom. He got nobody.

The point is that all of US are capable of evil depending on what we are exposed to.

I thought of this blog when I was about to bitch at my son for not cleaning up the mess he made after making quesadillas. I realized that I can’t assume he knows how. I’m not going to shame him like Connie. (Wtf is wrong with you? Think like a woman) Instead, I showed him how clean it up. I EDUCATED him on what I want. I told him that this is what I expect. I didn’t talk to him like he was stupid. I thanked him for making his own food. I didn’t clean it up for him. This is the only way they learn.

Mothers: We cannot assume that our sons are just going to know how to treat women when they’re older. We cannot assume that their Dad’s are going to teach them either. Most Dads are working their ass off and are never home. (Probably chasing tail 😂 not knowing why. Kidding!🤪)

We have to teach OUR SONS what WE want from them so they can learn how to GIVE this to their future partners. We need to teach them about affection, connection, friendship, compatibility, respect, and the long term.

We have to teach them that this may be a biological urge to continue to chase women and populate the world, HOWEVER, we are not animals. Reality: kids are expensive AF.

It costs a lot of time, money, energy to raise a human child properly into a respectable adult.

We need to teach them that human females can be hot and smart. Women can be attractive, fun, brilliant, and confident. We have to teach them, not ASSUME, that a Human FEMALE’S purpose is not only to populate the world.

It’s Biology Rosie- I’m kidding!
You can have both!

We also have to teach our daughters: What they tolerate will become their future. Being a victim will not get you anywhere.

It’s OUR job to ALSO teach the FUTURE MEN of this world these skills. We need to teach them how to love unconditionally. Parents need to be a TEAM.

There is a chapter in this book on how we “go easy” on our sons because we don’t think they can manage it all and are tougher on our daughters 🙈

https://markmanson.net/love

https://markmanson.net/compatibility-and-chemistry

#markmanson

#ericthomas

#glennondoyle

#brenebrown, #doitanyway, #freedom, #greatpretender, Badassery, Find A Way, parenting struggles, relationships, unlockingus, Women's Fight

True Romance…

September 4, 2020January 13, 2025 quillankellydunn

When I win my Oscar for best screenplay and give my speech; I would love to say “and last of all, I’d like to thank my husband for not giving a shit.”

Despite how it sounds, I mean this in a good way. By his “not giving a shit” or being “too tired right now” is actually helpful. My anger at him forces me to figure it out myself.

When I do, my self-esteem sky rockets. I am no longer mad at him because I am too empowered; but not in a self-righteous kind of way. Like in a “men and women are equal” way.

In the heat of a debate. We Both stubborn AF

Whenever I ask my husband for help, it is like an imaginary tennis match. He takes his pretend racket (tongue-on-roof-of-mouth-click-sound effect) and he just hits that request right back to me. My rebuttal (tongue-click) back to him. The longer I debate, the longer the match. Kinda like this: https://www.instagram.com/p/B-e3V7MDtMi/?igshid=z3swsvcatt03

I hate asking for help and I’m not a damsel-in-distress type of chic. I do not need or want to be taken care of or to be saved. (It does feel nice to think about it, perhaps my stubborn pride gets in the way.) When he does offer suggestions or the “right” way of doing things; he is met with a straight up tirade of obscenities from me. Therefore, deep down, I really do not want help.

Or…I would rather do it myself than deal with this:👇🏻

My husband after getting rid of yellow jacket nest 👆🏻

My old man is the most tired man in America; he works three jobs; so it’s understandable why he is exhausted. However, it was kinda weird that he was able to stay up through rain delays until 1:45am when the Cubs won the World Series. Miraculously, he was still able to get up for work at 5am the next day. But…that’s another story…😂

Anyways, I get that he’s tired; which is why I cannot expect much from him. They say having no expectations leaves you pleasantly surprised right? My expectations are so low it’s kinda like when someone goes out for a pack of cigarettes and doesn’t come back. 😜 When show back up, you are pleasantly surprised.

So I live my life expecting him not to come back, but he keeps showing back up to sleep, eat and watch sports here so now what? 😜

I work full time as well and handle everything at home with kids such as an being an Unpaid Uber driver, bank teller, chef, grocery shopper , scheduler, drama processor… I’m TIRED!….

I know that he knows it’s difficult at home and more difficult than what he does because my situation is unpredictable. He will never admit it. Raising kids/teens is not black and white how he prefers. I hate things that are black and white except movies. Being at home with kids plus working is all mutha-effin gray. You never know what you’re going to get.

Anyways, back to our most recent endeavor. About a month ago, our washing machine stopped working. It’s a LG High Efficiency washer, equipped with smart diagnosis. This means that I can connect my IPhone to the washer and it can diagnose what’s wrong. My washer continued to display “IE”. He has an Android, I have an iPhone which probably contributed to his feelings of inadequacy. 😂

For every insult, there’s a counter insult.
No one ever wins. 😉

In the manual, “IE” means that you have to clean out the water inlet valve, the Manual says to clean inlet valve monthly. I know we have NEVER done this. So I asked my old man to do it. He didn’t feel like fixing it right now which led to the “tennis match”.

While sitting on the couch, he told me to call the repairman we used for the dishwasher. The woman who answered the phone asked me what was wrong and I told her.

She replied, “Yea, that Washing machine brand isn’t the greatest. That code means you need to clean out the water inlet valve”. I said “Like I know what that is or how to do that, thats why I’m calling you.” (Whorebag, in my head)

So she calls me back and said she can get me in on Saturday between 12pm-4pm.

Me: “Ummm that’s four days from now, you have nothing sooner?” Whorebag: “Nope. Mmm-mmm. No. We will call you the day before AND the morning of to confirm.”

Me: “Ok, thanks” (In head: “Dont you condescend me, man. I’ll fuckin kill you man.)👇🏻

I confirmed the service call from the know-it-all, condescending lady on Friday night and Saturday morning. We go out to breakfast to do something together since he is going to work and I have to be home by noon for repair man.

I overeat carbs to feed my resentment.

So on my day off, in the middle of a Saturday afternoon, I have to wait. Me sitting on the couch, after a large, carby meal and doing nothing but waiting is not a normal situation and unfortunately, I fall asleep.

Three unanswered calls later from the fix it guy, I missed my repair window. His voicemail:

“Yea, since you aren’t answering the phone, I am not wasting a 20-minute trip since you are my only call out there today.” Me: Ew. Wasting his time? Who the hell does this guy think he is?

Off topic: True magician, Gary Oldman as the pimp Drexel Spivy

Me: (Furiously calling him back-but I get the awful lady 😫) Me: “I thought after I confirmed three times, he would just show up. I left a note on the front door for him to just come in. I missed his call but I have been here waiting.”

Know-It-All-Lady: “Yea, no, he’s too busy. If you missed his calls, then we have to reschedule. Where were you anyway?”

Me: (wtf-now who does SHE think she is?) “Where was I? I was home, sitting here waiting, doing nothing. I never do that so I fell asleep.”

Know-It-All-Lady: “You fell Asleep???”

Now if my husband dozed off on the couch, this would completely accepted and understandable. For a woman to fall asleep-Unheard of. This woman should know how tired women are in general as a species; this is a complete betrayal.

I’d rather die than have you fix my washing machine bitch

Me: “Well, I think it’s ridiculous that you guys make me wait four days for this appointment. Despite my confirming both calls and wait on my day off on this beautiful Saturday afternoon. His time is too valuable to drive here? I’m sorry my shitty machine isn’t worth his time. I’ll call another company.” She began to talk and hung up on her. (Damn that felt good)

So… I have had a hell of a time finding someone to fix this thing; but I REFUSE to call that company back. I really do not enjoy cleaning my cleaning appliances. 😂

So, I swallowed my pride, watched some you tube how-to’s DIY fix it videos and did it.

I thought of the jerky boys while doing this. “Should I bring all my tools?” https://youtu.be/5F-VQtEfbTU

Yea, I fixed it. It cost NOTHING. I’m a bad ass. I’m muthafuckin Charlie Bronson👇🏻.

In the end, I know how to fix the washing machine. I know what a water inlet valve is and what a pair of pliers is. I don’t need him to admit that I’m a bad ass. I’m not even mad anymore. The irrational thoughts have left and I’m left with realizing this was about a stupid, replaceable washing machine. As much as I hate his guts in the moment, I realize now I’m doing the same thing he is doing. Everything I say about him, he could say about me. He handles stuff that I don’t think about. I don’t give a shit either. 😂

However,👇🏻Admitting it is sexy, I hope men don’t wait until they are this old to see the truth.

Off topic: See the best of Floyd: I still laugh 18 years later

#freedom, #homeschoolingrealshit, coming of age, Malcolm Gladwell, Mental Health, Talking with Strangers

Southside BLASPHEMY

April 21, 2020January 16, 2025 quillankellydunn

This book was a tough read…
.
Took me a long time to get through it…
.
When I say this, it is because unlike Malcolm Gladwell’s @malcolmgladwell other books, this one touched on extremely emotional topics.
.
I didn’t get it at first, as usual (I’m slow) or perhaps it’s the haze of cognitive dissonance…

I didn’t like it at first is because it made me feel things I didn’t want to feel.
…
.

It made me think about topics I avoid…

…
It made me uncomfortable.
…
It made me nauseous…at times.
…
Then something clicked and I got it.
…
@malcolmgladwell pulls at your heartstrings with true stories, cases, that are controversial and breaks them down…
…
He discusses what WE can do to communicate better with people we do not know.
…
He reveals how some people “may not act the way WE think they should act”.

I will lightly touch on some of the topics in this book that I feel compelled to weigh in on so if you want to KNOW NOTHING about the book and read the book yourself: please stop reading here.

****Spoiler alert****
…
An intriguing example is when Gladwell explains the Amanda Knox case and what could have been done differently.
…
Malcolm clarifies that the whole ordeal Amanda was sucked into was because the Italian police didn’t think she “acted” the way she should be acting when her roommate was murdered.
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Amanda didn’t “show emotion” or “communicate how she should.”
…
It’s seems like it should be such a clear concept, except we all know it is not. We all judge people on their behavior, their words, their actions. We judge because someone is not “behaving” the way we would.
…
On the opposite spectrum of innocence, Gladwell breaks down the Penn State/Sandusky scandal. (This is where I struggled the most with getting through this book.) Sandusky went years untouched and undetected because “he doesn’t act like a child molester” or “his victims don’t act like they were abused”. Sandusky was adored by all. Sandusky was a god on that campus.

Gladwell brings up many other controversial and historical topics such as Hitler, Sylvia Plath, and Gingis Khan.

Therefore, Gladwell solidifies his point that: The human race overall, sucks at talking with strangers.

Transparency is the idea that people’s behavior and demeanor—the way they represent themselves on the outside—provides an authentic and reliable window into the way they feel on the inside.
Malcolm Gladwell: Talking to Strangers
Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know about the People We Don’t Know https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316478520/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_9eWNEbRW7CFK5

Here’s the Southside Blasphemy:

BUZZKILL

But what does mean? What does “responsibly” mean? Is it like that vague moderation bullshit?

Gladwell painfully examines binge drinking and college sexual assaults. He breaks down the culture of socially-acceptable-yet-dangerous-binge-drinking and how this scientifically affects the human brain.
…
Gladwell goes into detail about black outs; the lack of communication between people while intoxicated and how so many assumptions are made. He brings to light how serious incidents are minimized and the misconception of society’s view of alcohol abuse.

…
Gladwell deliberates how men are called weak and berated if they don’t keep drinking, slam shots or chug beer bongs. He states how women are glorified if they can “drink a guy under the table” and how women are judged by “how cool they are” based on how much alcohol she can consume.

…
Then he dissertates the differences between men and women’s genetic make-up, how they metabolize alcohol differently and what happens biologically to the body and mind.

EYE OPENING.

I listened to this chapter with with different ears. As a parent, you have no choice but to imagine your kids in one of these situations.

I never considered teaching my daughter “how” to drink (not sure I am qualified either 😜maybe I need another adult to do that for me;).

I never thought of teaching my son exactly how to “be respectful of women”, knowing how to ask for permission and when no means no.

However, if you are on the fence, here’s some tasty vodka to assist you loosen up to say YES! (Mixed messages)🤨

I just assumed that my kids would make good decisions based on how we raised them. However, Gladwell discusses how alcohol, the impact of society & social media erases all of that.

Example: “Don’t do what I do. Do what I tell ya.” Didn’t even fly with me in the 70’s/80’s.

The impact alcohol has on sexual assault:

This part in the audiobook was exceptionally painful; listening to a real court case of a sexual assault between two freshman at a college campus. Listening to testimony of a 19 year old MALE who “assumed” the girl he making out with was “okay with everything” because “she didn’t say anything.”

In reality, she was in a black out; unconscious.

In the testimony, the 19 year old guy speculates what happens; then when asked directly, he admits he truly doesn’t remember the situation either.

Yet here he is, in court after making some bad decisions he doesn’t remember while intoxicated as a freshman in college: now facing a jail sentence, expulsion, felony charges and a 15-year listing on the sex offender registry.

I couldn’t help but have empathy for the female but also for the guy; he was just a kid who is 5 years older than my own son. He was clueless, naive, and he ASS-umed.

I could actually see myself and our friends laughing about a situation like this – (hooking up with someone in a black out-where neither party remember or know each other’s names) in college or even last year. However, when it is your child, it is a whole different deal.

…This chapter lead to one of many future discussions with my kids about alcohol use and how we all, as parents, have to educate our kids on safe drinking. I can say I “don’t want my kids using alcohol” however I know they will. So atleast as parents, we need to specifically educate them exactly how to “drink responsibly.” Brevity is key.

“Drink responsibly” is the message that is repeated, but what does that mean? I had to figure that out for myself and it took 30 years! I still drink too fast.

Therefore, if we know this, we need to offer our kids some guidance on HOW to drink responsibly.

However there are so many societal mixed messages. The ambivalence is similar to Frank the tanks “I have a lot to do tomorrow, but it tastes so good as it touches your lips.”

D.A.R.E. Is a great idea but it is not realistic.

D.A.R.E. Motto =just say NO. Reality: what happens when you tell most humans NO?

I’ve had kids tells me that D.A.R.E just made them more curious.

Most drugs are illegal so maybe just say NO works sometimes, perhaps for those who are rule followers.

Society Mixed messages: Alcohol is legal so how can we teach them the same concept? How about teach them “I’ll have, SOME, but I won’t wreck myself”. I will learn how much and what “moderation” means. Explain to them what does drink responsibly mean.

Like one alcoholic drink an hour?

Drink water in between alcoholic beverages?

In educating kids and teens, you cannot always say a specific number of drinks or beers because everyone metabolizes alcohol differently. Teaching them to pay attention to how they feel.

We also have to educate them on the social impact their “being responsible” might result in.

Transparent Translation: their friends and peers might give them a lot of shit for turning down shots or not slamming beer after beer.

We have to educate them that how much they can drink has nothing to do with “coolness.”

Slamming drinks every 10 minutes, Obviating yourself, Doing super shit and being sloppy isn’t cool either

Peer pressure is real, even after you have kids and are an “adult.”😂

Example: I was at a party last year and another parent offered me a drink. I turned it down because it was already 1am and I had to get up for my kids games at 9am. He smirked and replied “You used to be fun.”

My inner—insecure-socially-awkward-teenager-self-emerged and immediately wanted to grab a beer bong like Frank the tank and “show him!”

Adult peer pressure is real.😂

As a 40-something adult, I STILL had to remind myself he is kidding, he really doesn’t care if I drink or not and he honestly won’t even remember saying that to me the next day.

We all like to belong. We all want to be perceived as fun (Fun Bobby) https://youtu.be/3nJ_l5qMrdw

No one wants to feel “not fun” (turns out fun Bobby is not so fun anymore) https://youtu.be/Y9qR3y_oLXM

However, we all need to have these uncomfortable feelings and transparent conversations. 2020 Kids are fucking smart. They find loopholes.

empath, narcissism, narcisstic personality disorder, relationships, Uncategorized, vulnerability

Left feeling like John Coffey…

May 20, 2018May 21, 2018 quillankellydunn

Left feeling like John Coffey…via Daily Prompt: Narcissism

The words I used to associate with narcissism are: Pompous, arrogant, grandiose, cocky, conceited with an inflated sense of self-importance.

Then I actually had “interactions” “friendships” and “relationships” and with men and women who have narcissistic personality disorder. The word narcissism has taken on a different meaning and vibe.

When I hear narcissism now, words like selfish, manipulative, predator, heartless, soulless, delusional, toxic, emotional-vampires, self-absorbed, and mind-fuck come to mind. They literally “search” for impressionable and innocent individuals as if they can sense your weaknesses like an animal. Individuals with this disorder are very charming, charismatic and complimentary at first.

They know exactly how to subtilely flatter you and make you “feel good”. Over time they intensify this excessive and insincere praise to butter you up and hook you. They usually have some kind of “sob story” to facilitate compassion from your kind heart and lead you to believe that “you are the only one they confided this to.” Hence they take advantage of your good intentions and thoughtful, giving nature by inadvertently causing you to feel special.

This initial euphoria (dopamine release) is what keeps you coming back for more. You like how you “feel” around this person. For once, someone is giving to you and it feels amazing. You feel full, admired, cherished, adored and loved.

They enjoy being responsible for your emotions and having power over your reactions. They groom you to become dependent on this euphoria until you become vulnerable enough to allow them to invade your soul.

You trust them wholeheartedly.
You feel like there is no one else is this world who understands you like they do.
You feel a deep connection to this person that almost becomes an obsession.

When the narcissist is aware that you are completely defenseless and completely enamoured with their tantalizing charm; this is when they strike. Usually it begins with subtle passive aggressive comments that confuse you and trigger insecurity and/or self-doubt. You may feel stung or humiliated and react emotionally. They will then minimize your reaction by twisting things around to make you look or feel irrational. #gaslighting

Then they will turn up the charm again, deepening your vulnerability by preying on your weakness in this raw, emotional state. They will use all the information and disclosures you provided them in confidence. Either they will hurt you more by using it against you or they will fill this void with whatever is missing. They will do exactly what makes you feel the most loved. Usually with whatever your love language is: lavish gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service like cleaning without asking, fixing your car or surprising you with dinner. The most dangerous is the physical affection or mind blowing sex that will completely impair your judgement.

They will “feed” off this emotional roller coaster they put you through and this “feeding” will temporarily sustain them. This pattern will continue until you begin to question your sanity, your decision making and how you feel about them or yourself. They will sense your ambivalence and “up the ante” and do things to make you feel crazier.

They may suddenly withdraw by ceasing to return calls or texts. They may stand you up for lunch or not show up for things. They behave aloof, rude or become cold and distant. They may begin to pick fights with you, accuse you of cheating, start “hanging out” with another “friend” making you jealous. They may play favorites with your siblings leaving you feel never good enough. They may cheat on you or talk badly about you to someone else.

After this, you may be convinced you are clinically insane. Your emotions will feel so out of control and irrational that you wonder if perhaps you are the problem; not them. Since you have been strung out on the dopamine high they have been steadily supplying you, you will feel an intense withdrawal. This withdrawal is similar to a deep exhaustion or a hangover. You could feel worn out, drained, exhausted, depressed, anxious, paranoid, hopeless, worthless, and weak. You may feel imprisoned and trapped like there is no way out.

Then they pounce on your vulnerability and feed off whatever emotion and reaction you provide them. Negative or positive reaction; it doesn’t matter. They need this emotional fix to survive so they will do whatever they have to do in order to receive a “reactional feeding”.

You may begin to feel desperate and do things out of character. You may even wonder how you used to be happy before this person walked into your life. You may re-trace when you started to care so much about how this person feels about you. You may speculate why you keep trying to win their affection or attention.

Out of this desperation, you may precariously decide to do anything to make this person happy. You muster up the strength for one more last-ditch effort in order to see that charming, charismatic, loving person they once were.

Under the delusional belief that deep down “they care about you” and they have empathy; you may attempt to “force” them to understand how you feel. You will inevitably be heartbroken and devastated. This is an endless cycle that you can waste years on.

Hopefully you will love yourself enough to recognize that this “emotional vampire” has an insatiable thirst. They will leave you once you have nothing left to give and there is no supply left to “thrive”. They are incapable of true love and believe your purpose on this earth is to serve them and supply them without ever having to reciprocate. They do not feel guilty or remorse. It is all an act.

This person could be a significant other, sibling, family member, friend or in worst cases; a parent. The only way out is feeling the pain, learning and growing from it. Meanwhile, maintaining no contact with this person at all. Zero communication or reactions is the only way to end this cycle and break free from their control and toxicity.

The devil doesn’t show up wearing horns and a pitchfork; they show up disguised as everything you ever wanted.